One Year Later...
Well, it was one year ago today that I started blogging, and I figure that would be a significant enough day to decide to stop. As I said in the previous post, it's just gotten so that I don't enjoy it as much anymore. Trying to come up with something interesting to write about on a semi-regular basis was becoming like work, and I'm the kind of person who likes to do as little work as possible.
But, enough about that. On to the real post for today.
While I love almost every single post that I've ever written on my blog, I will admit that there are a bunch that are better than others. I tried to shorten this list, but I didn't get too far. Oh well. Just click on the ones you want.
Mr Humble Guy's Favourite Posts For 2005
January: Shortly after my first blog post ever, I recalled how I tried to obtain some cheap DVDs and PS2 games with unfortunate results. As well, I posted about a night when I went out drinking with my friends and didn't come home, much to the shock of Mrs Humble.
February: I posted about the wonderful invention called the car alarm and my Valentines day debacle.
March: I had a post where I taught myself a new insult (to my own surprise). There was also the post where I had a face off between Reality Television vs A Kick to the Junk. Finally, I created my own Van Damme movie outline.
April: Here, I decided that I had discovered the worst tagline ever for a company.
May: Iron Keith and I discussed about the merits of a toilet powerful enough to flush the Quran.
June: I had an entry that talked about my recent home renovations and how everything was made more difficult because I was dropping everything. This was the month where I made the (unfortunate) "Diaper Sex" post, as well as found out some shocking news about my wife's new iPod.
July: This post talked about how a lot of movies are showing their logos burning, and and this one remarked at all the different dirty anagrams you could make from "Mr Humble Guy"
August: There was a post where I recalled my diverse range of emotions for my new air conditioning unit. I also explained my problems with the concept of dieting, and began to notice the ill effects of having a post with the title "Diaper Sex".
September: I finally decided to make a post about Hurricane Katrina. There was also an entry where I joked about yoga and one where I was ashamed at some of the CDs I still had.
October: In this post, I gave my faithful readers an easy 21 Step method to having pizza for supper. I also doctored up an image so people could get an idea of what I look like in real life.
November: Here I wrote a letter to 50 Cent inquiring as to why he is so popular, and here I vented my frustrations against a video game.
December: A top contender for my all time favourite post is my public service announcement for people who are having IBS sufferers as house guests. Finally, there was this post where I noted the lack of people in the Christmas spirit this year.
To my regular readers, thank you so much for supporting my blog over this year. Brad, Iron Keith, Silent Observer, Rebecca Marie, Chuck, Rocky, Corporal Kickyourass, Captain Howdy Girl, Wirthy, Elisabeth, and all the others who visited (I know that I'm missing a ton of you, and I'm sorry), I sincerely thank you. I will still try to comment on your blogs every once in awhile.
Who knows? Maybe I'll get that itch again and decide one day to come out of retirement. Or maybe it's just those pesky crabs again and I'll have to go get that special shampoo the doctor recommended. Either way, take care everyone.
Mr Humble Guy
Blog-voyage
Well, this post is proving rather hard to write, so I figure I'll just make it short and sweet. I've decided to quit blogging.
There are a number of factors that led to this decision, but the most important is that I'm not enjoying it as much anymore. I was struggling to come up with something interesting to read a few times every week, and I've just had enough. I figured it's best to just walk away while I'm still ahead.
That being said, this is not going to be my last post. I just realized that January 13 would have been my one year anniversary of blogging, so I felt it would be significant to make that the date of my last post. I figured that I would do the usual "link back to my favourite posts over the year" deal that a lot of people seem to do. Feel free to come back on then to check it out.
Finally, I'd like to thank everyone who came to read my blog on a regular basis. There are too many to list here, but you know who you are. You guys are the reason I kept it up as long as I did. Thank you all.
Make sure to check back on January 13 to see my last post!
Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...
I had a pretty easy time picking out this week's winner. It was something so asshatish, it make me sick to my stomach. This week's winner of the "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" goes to the one, the only, President George W. Bush.
Warming up for the camera
To be honest, I could probably come up with reasons for George W. Bush to be the weekly asshat every single week, but I just had to choose this one. You see, on Sunday night, Mr Bush went on television to address the nation about Iraq. He urged Americans not to give in despair, to continue supporting the fight for freedom, blah blah blah.
Apparently, it was a decent speech. It was something he really needed to do, according to his recent approval ratings.
So, if it was so necessary, why did I choose him as this week's asshat?
That's simple: HE WENT ON TV WHEN THE FUCKING FAMILY GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON!
Un-fucking-believable. I'm sitting down, ready to watch the best show currently on television, and the fucking President comes on every fucking channel. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Family Guy is way more popular than you are. It gets more respect, is twice as intelligent, and is quoted just as often as you for the humorous value. If that wasn't enough, it could probably kick the shit out of you too. While you were pretending to be fighting in Vietnam, Family Guy was preparing for its inevitable debut by taking roundhouse kick lessons from Chuck Norris. That's how much it kicks ass.
Mr President, if ever you have to go on television again, take a quick look at the TV guide. If Family Guy, The Simpsons, South Park, Lost, or any other decent show is on when you are planning to go on the air, you'd better just wait. It doesn't matter if it's a re-run either. Like most people, I'd much rather watch my favourite shows than listen to you.
To be fair, feel free to come on the air when any sort of reality show is on. That cocksucker Mark Burnett can lick my stinky ass.
Luckily, since I have digital cable, I was able to catch The Family Guy at a later time. Still, there is no way I can let this slide. Congratulations, Mr President. You're this week's winner of the "Mr Humble Guy Award for Outstanding Asshattery" trophy.
What are the chances that George W. Bush is an avid fan of the ol' blog, and he'll take my advice to heart?
That Christmas Spirit...
Being the week before Christmas, I figured it was time to get some shopping done. Honestly, how can you say that you've put enough thought into a gift if you don't think about it for the longest time possible? It takes weeks of careful consideration and thoughtful planning before realizing that the perfect gift is probably something you're going to find out of desperation while you are shopping in the last few minutes before closing time on Christmas Eve.
You people who buy your Christmas presents at the start of the month should be ashamed of yourselves.
Anyway, I try my hardest to get myself in the Christmas spirit every year. The Christmas tree in our house goes up right at the start of December, and Mrs Humble and I decorate the rest of the house shortly afterwards while listening to Christmas music. We're just trying to make our house a sanctuary for the warm Christmas spirit.
Unfortunately, it appears that the majority of people I interacted with this weekend didn't care much for Christmas spirit.
I can understand that when you are shopping next to thousands of other people who you don't know, you don't necessarily want to be overly friendly to everyone you meet. It'd just take too bloody long. What I'm talking about is common courtesy. I've presented three situations here that happened to me this weekend, as well as what you should and should not do to spread good Christmas cheer.
1. You're driving in heavy traffic and I slow down to let you into my lane.
What you should do: Give just a little wave to say, "Yes, I acknowledge that you went out of your way to notice and be courteous to me. Thank you."
What you shouldn't do: Sharply veer in front of me at Mach 2 only inches in front of my bumper and then slam on your brakes, not because there is anyone in front of you, but because you feel like being a dipshit.
2. You're shopping in WalMart during the last weekend before Christmas and you need to stop and look at something in the aisle.
What you should do: Move your cart off to the side. After all, it's pretty busy at WalMart at the best of times, and people might actually want to get by.
What you shouldn't do: Leave your cart sideways. Yes, fucking sideways. It has to completely block off the entire fucking aisle while you read the list of ingredients on a package of deoderant. And scoff at me when I slowly move your cart to the side so I can continue on my way.
3. You and your litter of children have to cross a major lane of a busy parking lot. I stop to let you cross in safety.
What you should do: Give a friendly wave and hurry across the road at a brisk pace with children in tow.
What you shouldn't do: Slowly waddle your thunder thighs into the middle of the road, turn around to yell at your brats, then continue your sluggish waddling while scratching your "Super-sized" ass. Look, I know that you didn't ask to be Lardzilla for Christmas, but whatever happened to being 'jolly'?
A little courtesy could mean the difference between a pleasant day and a steaming pile of shit on the hood of your car. I can spread the Christmas cheer both ways. Which would you rather have?
Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...
Okay, so this didn't actually happen this past week, but I only heard about this story on Tuesday, so it counts. You want to bitch about it? Who's blog is this, huh? That's right, it's mine. I make the rules, so shut the fuck up when I'm talking.
The prestigious "Mr Humble Guy Award for Outstanding Asshattery" trophy is awarded this week to one Shayna Richardson.
Wondering who the hell Shayna Richardson is? Well, back on October 9th, Shayna Richardson was going skydiving solo for the first time. While she was falling, her main chute failed. Her backup chute didn't fully deploy. You know what that means: it's crunch time.
At a speed of about 50mph, she landed face first in an asphalt parking lot...and lived.
The made-for-cable miracle story gets even better: during her reconstructive surgery, doctors found out that Shayna was pregnant...and the baby also lived. So far, we're still doing good.
So, are you wondering why she won this week's Asshat award?
Bitchtits wants to jump again.
Miss Shayna Richardson, let me explain something to you very carefully. If you survive something like that, God obviously wants either you or your baby to live for some reason. But he's also trying to say that YOU SHOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!
He could have made your backup chute open at the last second.
He could have caused a huge wind gust to slow your decent to that of a feather.
Instead, he chose to let you break your fall with your face to teach you a lesson. What lesson was that? Watch your step, bitch. You're fucking pissing me off.
Shayna Richardson had a terrible accident. That's unfortunate. It's the fact that she chose not to learn anything from it that makes her an asshat. I proudly award this week's "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" trophy to Shayna Richardson.
Don't get any big ideas, Shayna. This trophy is afraid of heights.
Now watch as I die of cancer while the "Skydiving-Faceplant Extraordinaire" lives to the ripe old age of 132. Sometimes there's no justice.
Analog Illiterate...
The strap on my Timex sports watch broke just the other day, so I've taken to wearing my fancy dress watch as my everyday watch. Unlike my cheap digital Timex, my dress watch is an expensive, classy analog beauty. I figured that eventually I'd get around to buying a new strap for the Timex, but since my dress watch looked so damn good, I might just make it my everyday watch.
Then someone asked me what time it was.
Without even looking at it, I told them that my watch was broken and I was unaware of the correct time.
You see, I believe that there is an acceptable response time for that particular question, which is about four seconds. Four seconds is probably pushing it, but we'll say that it is acceptable. If someone asks you what time it is and you take more than four seconds of looking at your watch to reply, then they are legally allowed to brand you as "special".
After having a digital watch for most of my life, I'd gotten so used to seeing the time that way that I've pretty much become "analog illiterate". Sure, I could have told him the time, but it would have taken about a minute of me staring at my wrist like there is Japanese written on it.
Mr Humble Guy doesn't want people to think of him as "special".
To be completely honest, it's not as bad as I make it out to be. I can read time on an analog watch. It's just that I'm not used to having to read time on an analog watch. What took me a fraction of a second before now takes me at least ten seconds. But at least I'm getting better. When I first put it on, I had this little exchange with myself.
Mr Humble Guy: Hmm, what time is it?
Mr Humble Guy checks watch
Mr Humble Guy: Hmm, okay.
Mr Humble Guy walks to the kitchen to check the time on the microwave
I'm thinking that I should just follow Brad's advice and draw a watch on my wrist that is always set to "GO TIME".
Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...
Who should it be this week? I was actually considering doing another political one. Saddam Hussein has been quite an asshat in court this week. Actually, he's been quite an asshat every week. I think I'll wait until he completely loses it and starts breakdancing in court before I award him this prestigious trophy.
However, I've decided to award it to a man whose still desperately clinging to his fifteen minutes: Tom Green.
Tom Green: Blessed and cursed with the ability to smell farts through the internet
I'll freely admit that when he first had naked ladies painted on his parents car, I had a hearty laugh. His antics were like nothing I'd ever seen before. But there's a reason for that. Quite soon afterwards, Tom Green's antics got old. He had a television show and a marriage to Drew Barrymore, so he unfortunately stayed in the public eye for awhile.
When those ended, Tom Green quickly faded into obscurity. Oh, if only he could stay that way.
But no, he decided to resurface this week with a rap album. Tom Green doing a rap album. That sentence just pisses me off so much that I don't even know where to begin.
Are they just giving record deals to anyone calling themselves a rap artist now? Pretty soon Barney is going to have a fucking gangsta rap album.
I be down witch you. You be down wit me. I'll bust a cap in yo ass if you dis my family, bitch.
This week I don't need to go into any detail at all. I just have to say it once again: Tom Green released a rap album this week. It's a clear winner for the "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" trophy.
Well, it's no Grammy, but at least it's something...
