Reality Television vs Kick To The Junk

Just so you know, there are not a lot of things in life that I hate. When it comes down to it, most things don't really bug me that much. I'm not a bitter little man. However, like everyone, I do have a few things that I simply can't stand. One of those things is Reality Television. Thanks to one Mark Burnett, my once beloved TV is now filled with "unscripted television", and this fucker laughs his way to the bank every day. I can honestly say that I hope some takes an "unscripted" shit in his coffee.

And because I'm a guy, I also hate kicks to the junk. Nothing ruins your week like a boot to the business.

But what happens when you match these terrible events against each other? Who would really be victorious. I've pitted five current reality television shows against five viscious nad kicks, and decided which one I would rather have...

Round 1

American Idol: OOOOOHHH!!! I can hardly wait to find out who the next piece of manufactured shit who'll cram up radio with their "edgy" blend of suck-pop and ass-pop is going to be! Excuse me while I go get a lobotomy so I can cheer along!

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 2

Survivor: This stupid show keeps getting excellent ratings, and it baffles me. Mostly because I've never watched it, and I refuse to ever watch it. Has anyone ever died on this show? No? Well then they're all survivors, aren't they? Notice the 's'...it denotes a plural in this case. Actually, while we're talking about re-naming the show, it should called, "Mark Burnett Rapes Televison". The least he could do is make Survivor: Pearl Necklace, where 15 girls try to make it in the porn business but all end up on the set of a snuff film. In place of Survivor's time slot, they should make a show out of a bunch of clips from the movie Gladiator where everyone is dying, then overdub Russell Crowe's voice screaming out "Survivor!" amidst piles of dead bodies. Until that happens...

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 3

The Contender: Let's get this straight everyone...Sylvester Stallone is not a boxer. He played a boxer on a bunch of terrible movies. I'm still waiting for sequels to Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, and Judge Dredd...they're not going to happen while he's trying to coach boxing.

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 4

The Apprentice: Why would I spend an hour of my life that I'll never get back watching a bunch of kissasses kiss Donald Trump's rich, withered ass? This morning, Donald Trump was talking on the radio about how CNN is now going to start showing commercials for hard liquor. He then went on to talk about how it was a bad idea to do something just to make a lot of money. Yeah, doing things just because they make you a lot of money that you don't really need...

...don't forget to catch Donald Trump's reality show "The Apprentice" on NBC Thursday 9/8PM

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 5

Fear Factor: After repeated kicks to the junk, I'll probably have to get it surgically removed. And then someone on this stupid show would have to eat it. Now that's great television. Mmm...can't wait to watch someone eating my surgically-removed, repeatedly-kicked junk.

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Well, that about settles it for now. FYI: don't email me trying to explain why I should watch your favorite reality show. I'd rather take a kick to the junk than read your stupid email...