Tops! Selling Good Times in Liquid Form since 1954

Okay, so it's a bit late to recap the gong show that was last weekend, so I'll do my best to get through Friday night as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I was invited over to a friends place for dinner on Friday. Three of my great friends, Justin, Jim, and Ryan, all live together in a house, and more importantly can stand me when I get drunk. My friends inviting me over for dinner on the weekend by my definition means that there is going to be some irresponsible drinking ahead.

So after dinner around 8:00pm, I says, "Okay, let's get shit-faced." So we go to the local Tops House of Liquor and Porn to pick out our booze for the night. For those who don't know what Tops is, it's a liquor store and a convenience store side by side, but the convenience store is loaded with an unhealthy level of porn. And not just your normal porn like Playboy or Swank. The last time we went there, they had a used copy of Pregnant and Horny. A USED COPY! Think of the mental picture you get when you hear 'used copy of porno'. Anyway, back to the liquor. I decided to go for some Silent Sam vodka, Jim picked out different vodka, and Justin chose some Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball Whiskey, among other things. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), Ryan had to work the next morning, so he wouldn't be partaking in the night's festivities.

When the night starts out with everyone having a shot of Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball Whiskey, you know that it's not going to end well.

For the most part, we were mixing strong White Russians, playing XBox, and having a good time. I'm drinking way too much, but the White Russians are going down really smooth, so I keep making them. Hey, like most things that get me into trouble, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The night totally went downhill when I starting chugging my drinks.

I had just made my fourth or fifth White Russian, when Justin pulled out some juice and told me that he was going to make a Screwdriver. Here's me going, "That would be nice, but oh, what to do with this full drink I just made?" Less than 10 seconds later, Screwdriver in hand.

We haven't even gotten to my biggest mistake of the night...my conversation with my wife. Apparently, "Honey, I'm going to stay here tonight" when you're drunk sounds a lot like "Honey, I'm just going to have one more drink and then take a cab home" to someone who's sober. Needless to say, I got in a lot of trouble when I got home.

The gong show that was my night ended after I spent probably 20 minutes praying to the porcelain god, then finally crashed on the hide-a-bed that my friends thankfully pulled out for me. Time of pass out: 10:30pm. Poor show.

What I've learned this story: The next time my friends invite me over for dinner, I'm going to opt out of getting liquor at Tops, and go for the porn instead. But not a used copy of Pregnant and Horny. No, something tasteful...like a used copy of Elephant Hole.