iDangerous

Part of my everyday morning routine is to try and catch a bit of the morning news. That way, if the Earth blew up overnight, I’m not the last to know. Hey, you’ve got to keep on top of these things…

Anyways, I was dozing through most of the news until the newscaster announced, “Coming up next: Studies now show that your iPod could be hazardous to your health. The full story after the break.”

Of course, I perked up right away. I’d JUST given an iPod to my wife for her birthday! And now this thing was going to kill her! I’m the worst husband ever!

Look at it…just sitting there...plotting...

But how? How was this thing out to get me and my loved ones? What could they have just discovered now that they couldn’t have warned me before? I didn’t have to sign a waver when I purchased it. We haven’t been mean to it in the few days that we’ve had it. I started making guesses as to what terrible flaw the iPod could have.

• While small and seemingly harmless, the iPod can actually spit out enough radiation to give cancer to everyone in a three mile radius


• When there are finally enough iPods everywhere, the Apple Mothercomputer will send out an order to every iPod to take over the world, and our only hope relies on the one renegade rapper/cop who believed iPods were evil from the start
  
  
  



• On Judgement Day, iPod will become self aware, and start a war with humanity. In a desperate move, it will send one of its own back in time to terminate Sarah Connor

Finally, the newscast came back on. I held my breath, as well as a hammer overtop my wife’s demon iPod. I’ll teach you to endanger my family!!!

Well, fear and paranoia soon turned to disgust and disappointment. What was the ground-breaking news?

Listening to your iPod at high volumes can cause hearing damage.

Well, thanks for the newsflash, Captain Obvious! Hey, if you thought that was good, I’ve got a couple of doozies for ya!

Kitchen knives can cut you if you’re not careful.

Drivers under the influence of alcohol are more likely to get in an accident than sober drivers.

Firearms are dangerous.