Van Damme!

I was flipping through the channels this morning in the hope that there would be something on TV other than golf. Luckily, there was something else on…The Quest starring Jean Claude Van Damme. Now I’ve watched my share of Van Damme movies, mostly in my “Ninjas are cool” phase, but I hadn’t seen this one. It was either this or Kenneth Copeland’s “Thou Shalt Go To Hell/Praise the Lord Variety Hour”. I decided on Van Damme.

So while I was sitting through this terrible crapfest, I started to realize why Van Damme doesn’t make any movies anymore: every one of them is exactly the same movie. Out of all the movies of his that I’ve seen where he is the “star”, they all have the same sort of idea.

With this in mind, I decided that I could also write a Van Damme movie. Here is what I came up with:

For the title, it has to have a word that’s action-like (ie Bloodsport and Kickboxer), but you can also rein it in with something spiritual (ie Lionheart). With this in mind, I’ll call my movie Fight Church.

So, in Fight Church, we’ll start off with Van Damme as a child. He is learning some sort of martial art from his Dad (or his Brother, or his Cousin, or his Friend). This is to be his mission in life.

Sometime later in the movie, his Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend will have to fight Big Hulking Bad Guy. Big Hulking Bad Guy will kill Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend. Van Damme is sad. At funeral, Van Damme will swear revenge against Big Hulking Bad Guy.

Van Damme meets New Teacher, who taught Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend their martial arts knowledge. Van Damme gets training from New Teacher, who trains Van Damme really hard. He will use this training to enter Random Tournament Of Fighting Greatness.

Van Damme makes new Male Friend. Sometime during movie, Male Friend will get hurt/killed by Big Hulking Bad Guy. Van Damme gets upset.

Everyone watches while Van Damme is about to fight Generic Cocky Bad Guy. Van Damme beats Generic Cocky Bad Guy in three hits or less.

Sometime during the movie, Van Damme gets introduced to the Only Girl In Movie. Van Damme and Only Girl In Movie will have sex sometime in the movie, and we’ll get the obligatory Van Damme Ass Shot.

At least three more fights with Generic Bad Guys. Van Damme maybe gets hit once, but shakes it off.

Big Hulking Bad Guy is also shown in at least two fights. If his opponent isn’t killed, he is at least badly maimed, and probably dies offscreen.

The final battle of the Random Tournament of Fighting Greatness is between Van Damme and Big Hulking Bad Guy. As soon as it starts, Van Damme begins to get his ass handed to him. Repeatedly. Van Damme is just about dead. Van Damme has a flashback about his Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend, then a flashback of Male Friend, then sees Only Girl In Movie in the crowd. Van Damme gets mad, stands up, and starts to beat up Big Hulking Bad Guy. Van Damme finishes off Big Hulking Bad Guy with a spinning jump kick to win the Random Tournament of Fighting Greatness.

Fin.

If you think I’m exaggerating any of this, spend a couple of bucks and rent a Van Damme movie. You’ll find them in the video store under the section Hollywood Miscarriages.