A PSA From Mr Humble Guy...

As I've mentioned a few times before, I suffer from an unfortunate disorder called Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The only thing that you really need to know about it is that a few times a week, I'm forced to dash to the closest washroom with my thumb up my ass due to a sudden assault of violent stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea.

It's a fairly common disorder, and those who have it learn to live with it. An IBS sufferer learns to carefully plan their trips away from the house. It's important to know how long until the next washroom, how long they can hold it when things start to get bad, and which trees have the softest bark incase they're forced to wipe their ass with it.

One thing that IBS sufferers hate, though, is having to go to the bathroom in someone else's house. The IBS experience in itself is not fun, but when you are in someone elses home, there are so many other factors that can make things worse. This is why I created this list. It is designed to inform hosts of the necessary steps for preparing your bathroom incase of an IBS related emergency.

1. Have A Good Fan - Most people are worried about the noises they make in the bathroom when other people are in earshot. IBS sufferers make exploding/ripping noises. If you have a good noisy fan installed in the bathroom, it can really minimize what is heard outside the door. This will make both you and the unfortunate soul in the bathroom a little bit more comfortable.
   
   
2. Have An Air Freshener - The quality of a bathroom fan will do nothing to the smell that comes from an IBS sufferer. You'd have to let that fan run nonstop for a week. An air freshener will help cut through the shit smell an IBS sufferer leaves behind. Please make sure it is a spray air freshener and not just something that just sits there, like potpourri. If it is something that just sits there, the IBS sufferer will be forced to violently shake it through the air in order to disperse the freshness more quickly.
   
   
3. Have A Toilet Brush - Probably the most embarrassing thing an IBS sufferer can leave in their host's toilet is streaks/splash marks all over the inside of the porcelin. IBS can be explosive business, and sometimes flushing doesn't get rid of everything. If you have a toilet brush available to them, the IBS sufferer can quickly and quietly clean up their dirty business without anyone being the wiser.
   
   
4. Have A Plunger - No, actually, the single most embarrassing thing an IBS sufferer can leave in their host's toilet is something that plugs it right up. Have a plunger handy, and they'll fix everything themselves. If you don't have one handy, they'll be so embarrassed that I guaruntee they'll never visit again.
   
   
5. Have Something To Read - Unfortunately, IBS can also mean long periods of time in the bathroom, and there is only so many times that one can read the ingredients on the bottle of shampoo.
   
   
6. Try To Have More Than One Bathroom - I know that a lot of people can't avoid this, but if you have more than one bathroom, it will make everything easier for everyone. An IBS sufferer dreads knowing that someone else is going to need to use the bathroom right after them because they can't blame any of the smells, sounds, or splash marks on anyone else. IBS sufferers don't need any more stress in their lives, because it all eventually manifests in their bowels. If you can, have one bathroom for the IBS sufferer, and let everyone else use another.
   
   
7. Most Importantly, Have Enough Toilet Paper - If my host doesn't leave me enough toilet paper, I will freely wipe my ass with a bathmat. I'll plop down and scoot just like a dog. I won't even be discreet about it either: I'll show it to them afterwards and mention that it was because they didn't leave me any fucking toilet paper.
   
   And finally
   
   
8. Do Not Ask "How Are You Doing?" Afterwards - Understand that these people probably just lost five pounds in the amount of time that they were in the bathroom. They'll be okay and they are doing better than they were before they went in the bathroom, but they don't feel like talking about it.

By following this simple tips, you can keep your IBS sufferers as close friends and your bathmats skidmark free.