New Links...

Like a few of my friends, I haven't had a lot to post on the ol' blog in the last few days. I still don't really have anything interesting to add, but I thought that I would point out that I added a few new links.

When I'm bored at work, I usually check out the blogs of my friends. When that's done, then I usually check out my own blog to see if anything has changed. Yes, it sounds stupid, and in fact it is stupid, but I do it anyway. Then I throw up the Hail Mary: I click the "Next Blog" button. If you ever click the "Next Blog" button on the top right, you're almost guarunteed to get someones boring account of how they saw a butterfly the other day and it made them contemplate life. And to those people, I say, "Go fuck yourself. You're not entertaining. Why would anyone bother to read this junk?"

Mind you, they always seem to have more visitors then I do...

However, once in awhile I come across a blog that is different than the rest. One where the author makes snarky comments and witty observations, and actually makes me want to read more. These are blogs done by people who I think share my...different...sense of humour, which is why I'm sharing them with the people who come to my site.

Wirthy: He registered mydrunkthoughts.com...you know it's got to be good.
You Can't Make It Up: Michelle always seems to have something clever to say. I was sold by the time I read "5 ways to Subtly Tell Your Children You Hate Them"
Terri Schiavo: Okay, this one is kinda in bad taste, but who cares? The comments that people leave are hilarious. If you find any of my stuff offensive, definately don't go here.

EDIT (9:10am): Okay, so I just found out that Terri Schiavo kicked the bucket this morning, making it in even worse taste to have the link up. Oh well, I still think that the people who find my stuff funny should check it out.

Van Damme!

I was flipping through the channels this morning in the hope that there would be something on TV other than golf. Luckily, there was something else on…The Quest starring Jean Claude Van Damme. Now I’ve watched my share of Van Damme movies, mostly in my “Ninjas are cool” phase, but I hadn’t seen this one. It was either this or Kenneth Copeland’s “Thou Shalt Go To Hell/Praise the Lord Variety Hour”. I decided on Van Damme.

So while I was sitting through this terrible crapfest, I started to realize why Van Damme doesn’t make any movies anymore: every one of them is exactly the same movie. Out of all the movies of his that I’ve seen where he is the “star”, they all have the same sort of idea.

With this in mind, I decided that I could also write a Van Damme movie. Here is what I came up with:

For the title, it has to have a word that’s action-like (ie Bloodsport and Kickboxer), but you can also rein it in with something spiritual (ie Lionheart). With this in mind, I’ll call my movie Fight Church.

So, in Fight Church, we’ll start off with Van Damme as a child. He is learning some sort of martial art from his Dad (or his Brother, or his Cousin, or his Friend). This is to be his mission in life.

Sometime later in the movie, his Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend will have to fight Big Hulking Bad Guy. Big Hulking Bad Guy will kill Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend. Van Damme is sad. At funeral, Van Damme will swear revenge against Big Hulking Bad Guy.

Van Damme meets New Teacher, who taught Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend their martial arts knowledge. Van Damme gets training from New Teacher, who trains Van Damme really hard. He will use this training to enter Random Tournament Of Fighting Greatness.

Van Damme makes new Male Friend. Sometime during movie, Male Friend will get hurt/killed by Big Hulking Bad Guy. Van Damme gets upset.

Everyone watches while Van Damme is about to fight Generic Cocky Bad Guy. Van Damme beats Generic Cocky Bad Guy in three hits or less.

Sometime during the movie, Van Damme gets introduced to the Only Girl In Movie. Van Damme and Only Girl In Movie will have sex sometime in the movie, and we’ll get the obligatory Van Damme Ass Shot.

At least three more fights with Generic Bad Guys. Van Damme maybe gets hit once, but shakes it off.

Big Hulking Bad Guy is also shown in at least two fights. If his opponent isn’t killed, he is at least badly maimed, and probably dies offscreen.

The final battle of the Random Tournament of Fighting Greatness is between Van Damme and Big Hulking Bad Guy. As soon as it starts, Van Damme begins to get his ass handed to him. Repeatedly. Van Damme is just about dead. Van Damme has a flashback about his Dad/Brother/Cousin/Friend, then a flashback of Male Friend, then sees Only Girl In Movie in the crowd. Van Damme gets mad, stands up, and starts to beat up Big Hulking Bad Guy. Van Damme finishes off Big Hulking Bad Guy with a spinning jump kick to win the Random Tournament of Fighting Greatness.

Fin.

If you think I’m exaggerating any of this, spend a couple of bucks and rent a Van Damme movie. You’ll find them in the video store under the section Hollywood Miscarriages.

The church of hip-hop...

On the news the other day, they showed a segment about a new “hip-hop” church in Harlem. It is a church where they play hip-hop music and promote the hip-hop lifestyle in an effort to attract more young people, except they rap about God and Jebus. Sadly, I’m not making this up.

So I figured, what other unlikely churches based upon musical styles could there be? Here are a few that I came up with:

Church a la Disco – Terrible outfits and even worse hymns, but you’re not supposed to like church anyways.

Church of Cock Rock – If church is supposed to start at 9:00, the main preacher won’t come out until at least 11:00. He is preceded by either an “up and coming” preacher or an “old and busted” preacher trying to relive his glory days. Some of the hardcore congregates pass the time by doing hits of the bible. “Hey man, wanna do a hit of some Psalm 23?” When the main preacher finally does come out, he’s shouting, “Are you ready to rock and roll...the devil out of your life?!?” Cue fireworks. Highlight of the service is the cameraman catching all the female congregates flashing their crosses on the big screen.

Grunge Church – This church will be short lived as the poster boy for the Grunge church realizes his sermon is preaching nothing but the crappiest bunch of crap that ever crapped, and he’ll blow his head off with a shotgun while on a holy water-induced high. Nobody will care.

Michael Jackson Church – A church where bad little boys get molested. Obviously, that would never stand...

Feel free to post your own unlikely church in the comments.

A fantastic hair cutting experience...

When you go months between haircuts, your hair tends to get a bit shaggy at times. I try to make the most of my haircut by changing the way that I style my hair depending on how long it's been since my last cut. When it's really short, I comb it all forward and mess it up in the front. When it gets a bit longer, I comb it back and let it fall a bit to the sides. Finally, when that doesn't work anymore, I just stop combing it all together. If I didn't have such a pretty face, I'd look downright bum-like at this stage.

So I decided to get my hair cut yesterday during my lunch hour. I have my usual place that I go to because they're cheap and there's not usually a line up. Regardless, I leave a few minutes early to get there before any possible lunch hour rush. Sure enough, when I arrive, there is only one person getting their hair cut, so they sit me down right away.

My stylist also happens to be the manager. I'm thinking that this is great, since she's obviously been doing this for a long time if she's the manager. She's probably really fast and talented, and her excellence in her field is why she's now in a top position. That means I'm in for a fantastic hair cutting experience.

Yes, I actually thought this. And it's thoughts like these that usually go horribly wrong and end up as blog posts...

She was slow. Very slow. So slow that I didn't want to talk to her for fear of slowing her down more. So slow that I was worried my hair would have grown out again by the time she was finished.

Also, she claimed that she wasn't racist, but she kept making racist comments. A few examples:

Stylist: So my son is in a basketball tournament for college. They have teams from all over North America playing at this tournament. And I'll tell ya, there's only one black person on the Grant MacEwan team, but when I walked into the gym and saw all of the players on the other teams, I was like, "Geez, are the lights out?" Everyone was black!
________________________________________________________

Stylist: I heard that if you adopt a Native baby, there are a bunch of legal hoops that you have to jump through...it's like your duty to teach them about their culture. That's why I couldn't ever adopt a black or a brown baby. I wouldn't know what to teach them about their culture! I don't know anything about Africa or where they came from! Do you think if you adopt a German baby, you have to teach them about Hitler? The country is nothing but a bunch of terrorists.

Wow.

To make things worse, she didn't brush me off when she was done, or even style my hair for that matter. I had to run home and vacuum myself off because I was covered in hair clippings, then use my own styling gel to make my hair look good. I was not impressed. Good thing I don't have to go back for another four months.

Reality Television vs Kick To The Junk

Just so you know, there are not a lot of things in life that I hate. When it comes down to it, most things don't really bug me that much. I'm not a bitter little man. However, like everyone, I do have a few things that I simply can't stand. One of those things is Reality Television. Thanks to one Mark Burnett, my once beloved TV is now filled with "unscripted television", and this fucker laughs his way to the bank every day. I can honestly say that I hope some takes an "unscripted" shit in his coffee.

And because I'm a guy, I also hate kicks to the junk. Nothing ruins your week like a boot to the business.

But what happens when you match these terrible events against each other? Who would really be victorious. I've pitted five current reality television shows against five viscious nad kicks, and decided which one I would rather have...

Round 1

American Idol: OOOOOHHH!!! I can hardly wait to find out who the next piece of manufactured shit who'll cram up radio with their "edgy" blend of suck-pop and ass-pop is going to be! Excuse me while I go get a lobotomy so I can cheer along!

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 2

Survivor: This stupid show keeps getting excellent ratings, and it baffles me. Mostly because I've never watched it, and I refuse to ever watch it. Has anyone ever died on this show? No? Well then they're all survivors, aren't they? Notice the 's'...it denotes a plural in this case. Actually, while we're talking about re-naming the show, it should called, "Mark Burnett Rapes Televison". The least he could do is make Survivor: Pearl Necklace, where 15 girls try to make it in the porn business but all end up on the set of a snuff film. In place of Survivor's time slot, they should make a show out of a bunch of clips from the movie Gladiator where everyone is dying, then overdub Russell Crowe's voice screaming out "Survivor!" amidst piles of dead bodies. Until that happens...

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 3

The Contender: Let's get this straight everyone...Sylvester Stallone is not a boxer. He played a boxer on a bunch of terrible movies. I'm still waiting for sequels to Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, and Judge Dredd...they're not going to happen while he's trying to coach boxing.

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 4

The Apprentice: Why would I spend an hour of my life that I'll never get back watching a bunch of kissasses kiss Donald Trump's rich, withered ass? This morning, Donald Trump was talking on the radio about how CNN is now going to start showing commercials for hard liquor. He then went on to talk about how it was a bad idea to do something just to make a lot of money. Yeah, doing things just because they make you a lot of money that you don't really need...

...don't forget to catch Donald Trump's reality show "The Apprentice" on NBC Thursday 9/8PM

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Round 5

Fear Factor: After repeated kicks to the junk, I'll probably have to get it surgically removed. And then someone on this stupid show would have to eat it. Now that's great television. Mmm...can't wait to watch someone eating my surgically-removed, repeatedly-kicked junk.

Winner: Kick To The Junk

Well, that about settles it for now. FYI: don't email me trying to explain why I should watch your favorite reality show. I'd rather take a kick to the junk than read your stupid email...

Mrs Humble doesn't sleep...

I tend to wake up a few times during the night, whether it is because I get thirsty or need to take a piss. However, because I'm retarded for the first five or so minutes after I wake up, it takes me a few minutes to figure out where I am, why I'm awake, and whether I should just get up and do what I need to do or try and sleep through it.

I've noticed that when I wake up, Mrs Humble always seems to be awake too. I've tried to figure this out, like maybe my need to take a leak has somehow telepathically sent a message to her brain to wake her up and make sure I don't piss in the bed. Maybe right before I wake up, I subconsiously scream bloody murder unbeknownst to myself. I've been told that one time when I was asleep, I was acting like a dog and tried to bite her...maybe I do that every night. It would explain why my mouth tastes like my ass in the morning...

Last night, I woke up right around 2:30am. It's dark and completely silent. I haven't made a sound (to my knowledge). Remember, 2:30 in the morning:

Mr Humble Guy: I'm going to get a drink
Mrs Humble: Okay. Hurry back.

I mean, seriously...how can she be fully awake and alert? She'll deny it to the death, but I'm convinced now that she doesn't sleep. Ever. I'm thinking of testing this theory over the next couple of nights. As soon as I wake up, I'm going to ask her the first question that comes to my head. I'm guessing the results will end up like this:

Night 1 - 3:23am

Mr Humble Guy: What was the name of that show that had the guy doing that thing?
Mrs Humble: Home Improvement?
Mr Humble Guy: Yeah, that's probably it

Night 2 - 2:15am

Mr Humble Guy: Can you explain what a "Compensating Variance" is?
Mrs Humble: It's the amount you would have to compensate someone for putting in place a policy that makes them worse off in order to make them just as well off as if the policy had never been put in place.
Mr Humble Guy: ...right...

Night 3 - 4:02am

Mr Humble Guy: You're driving a bus that has 15 people on it, and at the first stop 4 people get off and 7 people get on. At the next stop, 3 people get off and 4 people times the number of people already on the bus get on. Now...
Mrs Humble: I've heard this one already. The answer is Mrs Humble
Mr Humble Guy: ...damn...

Night 4 - 1:39am

Mr Humble Guy: What is the integral of 3xy/2 + (5πa/3)²?
Mrs Humble: Are you still having troubles with calculus, honey? Just because I got a better mark than you doesn't make you any less of a husband...
Mr Humble Guy: ...feels like it sometimes...

Night 5 - 2:44am

Mr Humble Guy: Hey honey. Since we're both awake, an...
Mrs Humble: (interrupting) No
Mr Humble Guy: ...okay. Goodnight.

Zero search results...

Every once in awhile, I get a bit of “on the side” website work to do with a friend of mine for a bit of extra cash. Every once in awhile, the extra cash that I make from the “on the side” work is enough to buy some nice things (like my laptop, for example). Every once in awhile, the “on the side” work that I get ends up being a blessing.

Yes, every once in awhile, I really like doing some “on the side” work. But not last night.

I had a project that was supposed to be nice and easy. A really straight-forward job. However, the client was one that was really impatient, and worse, didn’t communicate his ideas well. If I didn’t do things the way he wanted it, he’d get frustrated that “I wasn’t getting it” and threaten to get someone else. And I’d love to say that I don’t need a client like that, but the truth is that I really want to take his money.

Anyway, last night I was really close to being finished the project. All I had to do is upload the pages I created, add a single button to the home page, and this demon project would be cast from my life. Seriously, this should take maybe five minutes.

So obviously, it took much…much longer.

I’m going to try not to bore you with a bunch of technical gobbledygook, so let’s just say that things weren’t working like they were supposed to. The system was set up so that people who knew nothing about html could easily create a webpage. On it’s own, that sounds great, but it honestly becomes extremely difficult if you do know html. I had to dumb myself down to use it. Basically, there was no way for me to upload the html pages that I created. You could only create pages using this system…then copy and paste your html code into said pages. But then some of your html code doesn’t work, so you have to change some stuff, find out were certain images got uploaded to, change a bunch of your links…

And that was all just for the pages that I uploaded. Believe it or not, that was the easy part. The “adding a single button to the home page” was the real bitch. I figured out how to add the graphic (I had to upload it to a section called ‘sponsor’), but I couldn’t figure out how to link it to the pages I had created. Well, luckily for me, the system had THE MOST USELESS HELP MENU EVER. I’m pretty sure the help menu has won awards for how crappy it was. I tried navigating through the 3 or so help menus to no avail, so I thought I could try the handy search engine. Surely that would bring up something.

Okay, ‘link sponsor image’, and search…hmm, “Zero search results”.

What if I try ‘link sponsor’…”Zero search results”.

‘link picture’…”Zero search results”.

‘image target’…”Zero search results”.

‘href’…”Zero search results”.

‘sponsor’…”Zero search results”.

‘website’…”Zero search results”.

‘banana’…”Zero search results”.

‘this search sucks’…”Zero search results”.

‘Compuglobalhypermeganet’…”Zero search results”.

‘the next system to say ‘zero search results’ wants a kick to its three and a half inch floppy’…”Zero search results”.

As you can see, I was getting nowhere. And I was up much later than I wanted to be. Long gone are my days of needing no sleep. This wedding band on my finger sucked out any ability that I had to pull an all-nighter. Seriously, before marriage, I could stay up all night without a problem. Starting the day after I got married, I practically go into a coma if I’m awake past 11pm. Anyways, through a lot of trial and error, I finally got my stupid button link to work. It’s now 1:30am, and my alarm goes off at 5:30am. Time for a power snooze.

Alarm goes off…I refuse to get up.

Mrs. Humble tries to gently get me up…I refuse.

Mrs Humble: Come on. You’re going to be late.
Mr Humble Guy: …you know, if we’re both awake an…
Mrs Humble: (interrupting) No.
Mr Humble Guy: Alright, I’m getting up.

So I haven’t yet heard back from the client, but hopefully that’s the end of it. I really hope that’s the end of it...

End of the voice recorder?

I never started this blog with the intention of getting my friends in trouble for the things they say...it's just a humourous side effect.

I went to visit Justin and Ryan at Sunday Night music trivia last night, and we started joking around like we usually do. However, after one particularly nasty joke, we came upon the topic of my blog. Justin began to tell me about a rather short conversation he had earlier with his fiancee Kealy. It's not word-for-word, but the basic idea of the conversation was this:

Kealy: (gives "I'm not impressed" look)
Justin: Hey hon, what's up?
Kealy: I was just reading (Mr Humble Guy's) blog...
Justin: (feigning innocence) ...oh?
Kealy: ...green slurpee shit?
Justin: ...
Kealy: ...
Justin: (Scooby Doo Villan Impression) And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that damn Mr Humble Guy, and his little voice recorder!

I guess that probably means the end of the voice recorder. While it was great fun, obviously nobody wants to get in trouble, so I'm predicting conversations like this for the next while:

Mr Humble Guy: So, what did you guys do last weekend?
Ryan: ...
Justin: ...
Brad: ...
Jim: ...
Mr Humble Guy: C'mon, guys! I'll get you started...have you ever taken a shit so big that you swore it was coming out sideways? Huh?
Justin: ...
Brad: ...
Jim: ...
Ryan: ...
Justin: ...the only time Kealy talks to me is when she's criticizing me for talking about a "green slurpee shit"...

I guess that it's probably for the best that I don't mention the Chocolate Puffed Wheat squares bit, then.

Learned a new insult...

On the street that I make my daily commute to and from work, there is an area right close to my house where the four lanes turn into two lanes. It happens shortly after a set of lights. Basically, if you're in the right lane, you're going to have to haul ass off the line in order to not get stuck. A lot of people have become trapped here once or twice in their lives by commuters who don't want to let anyone in their lane, so generally, most people get in the left lane at the lights. This usually means there is 10 cars in the left lane and maybe 1 car in the right.

I'm usually the guy on the right, because I know how to haul ass. Actually, what I do is size up my competition. I check out the vehicle or two that is in front, and decide how I'm going to get in the left lane. Young shithead in a Civic? Probably going to race off the line, so I ease my way into second place. If it's a minivan, they are 100% guarunteed to go slow off the start. I don't care who is driving: if you're in a minivan at the lights, you are inevitably going to turn around and yell at your bratty kids just as the light turns green. Plus, it's a minivan. Like I'm going to let a minivan beat me off the line. With most cases, I just tromp on the gas as soon as the opposite light turns red and away I go.

So at lunch time, I'm approaching the lights, and sure enough there's a line of cars in the left lane. Of course, I take the right lane. My opponent off the line is an older fellow who has a handicap sticker on the windshield. This is going to be a piece of cake.

Light turns green, and I go.

Right away, I try to get into the left lane, but the other car is just behind and beside me. So I accelerate some more. So does he. I'm running out of lane, so I keep speeding up...as does the old man. We're going about 67 kmph in a 50 zone at this point.

Mr Humble Guy: Holy shit...this 'capper doesn't want to let me in!

Wait a minute...did I just call this guy a 'capper? First of all, I'm not even sure where I heard that. They didn't teach me that in school. Second, that's a rather disrespectful thing to call someone. If I was going to call him anything, I should have called him an asshole for purposely trying to not let me in.

So anyways, back to my story. I gave the whole, "Fuck this shit" expression and blew the doors off that asshole 'capper. I was going to end with something like, "I hope they have a wheelchair ramp to the losers circle", but that would just be mean...

Ravenous little bugger...

If you're ever around me for any length of time, you'd soon figure out that my eating habits aren't quite...normal. When a sub-150lb guy eats like he's 250lbs, you've got to wonder where it all goes. I usually just tell people that I'm feeding my tapeworm, and he's a ravenous little bugger.

Anyway, we have a pretty open office space at work. Pretty much anyone can see anyone else at any given time. This has caused my "surf pron @ work" habit to take a hit, but it forces me to get stuff done, which is good. However, it also means that whenever I'm eating something (which is often), everyone can see me. Just a few minutes ago, I had this exchange with a co-worker:

Susanne: Everytime you eat, you make me hungry
Mr Humble Guy: You must be hungry a lot...
Susanne: I am. I should bring more food but that would be bad...then I'd eat it. Heaven forbid.
Mr Humble Guy: (sarcastically) Yeah, eating food would be a tragedy
Susanne: It would be a tragedy for my ass...

Oh yeah, it's definately Friday...

My Brother: The Computer Genius

My main computer at home has been fubar'd since shortly after Christmas. Now, I'm not a moron when it comes to computers, but I was pretty sure that this problem was completely out of my hands. In fact, I was convinced that I pretty much needed a new one of everything for my computer to be working again.

My brother, who has computer skills the likes of which I will never understand, believed quite the opposite. He was sure that it was something simple, and that he would be able to fix it. Being that I'm always right and my meager computer skills are obviously enough to diagnose the state of health of my computer, I let him believe his little fantasy that he can fix my demon machine with mere mortal tools. So he takes my computer back with him to his place while I secretly plan on buying a ton of computer parts.

Just a few minutes ago, my brother came on Messenger with some news. The conversation went basically like this:

Dan: So I'm on your computer now
Mr Humble Guy: Really? That's great! How'd you fix it?
Dan: Popped the battery out and put it back in
Mr Humble Guy: ...you're teasing, right?
Dan: No, it clears the CMOS settings
Mr Humble Guy: ...you've got to be shitting me...
Dan: No, I'm not
Mr Humble Guy: ...fuck...

Of course, I never doubted him for a second. I knew he could fix it.

More quotes from Sunday Night Music Trivia...

I have to point out that there were more gems than just the ones that I put here, but it was getting pretty noisy in the bar, and with everyone having different conversations, it was hard to catch everything. Also, the voice recorder was closer to my side of the table, so I missed lots of banter between Jim and Adam (sorry guys). However, I did get a few good ones:

---

(when talking about TV)

Jim: They had Cliffhanger on today
Mr Humble Guy: Lemme guess..TBS?
Jim: Yeah!
Mr Humble Guy: TBS...The Cliffhanger Station
Jim: And Jaws...and The Running Man
Justin: (announcer voice) "Stay tuned after Cliffhanger for Cliffhanger, and tune in after Cliffhanger for Jaws..."
Jim: (announcer voice) "...and The Running Man later tonight"
Justin: (announcer voice) "We interrupt this presentation of Jaws to bring you Cliffhanger..."
Jim: (announcer voice) "Followed by Demolition Man"

---

(when talking about Ace Ventura - Pet Detective)

Justin: You know, I've just thought of the best porno name - Ass Ventura, Heavy Pet Detective

---

(when talking about...well, gross stuff)

Justin: Have you ever taken a Green Slurpee shit in someone elses house, and then plugged it
Ryan: No. Have you?
Justin: Yeah!
Mr Humble Guy: ...wait, THAT WAS YOU?!?

---

(when talking about the quote by Martin Scorsese about Leonardo DiCaprio being the actor of his generation, or some shit like that)

Adam: What has he been in?
Ryan: Well, in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, he was okay. He was decent in that movie...
Adam: That was the movie with that fatass and the retard, right?