What Have I Done?

No matter what sort of content you have on a website, inevitably you'll get some unintended traffic. People who are looking for something totally different will eventually find your site. And perhaps if you were to use words like "huge motherfucker" and "concentrated liquid evil" in your website, you might get some pretty weird people stumbling upon your humble little space on the web.

I bring this up as I notice that my site is getting more than a few visits by people searching for "Diaper Sex".

Seriously, guys...get some fucking help. I mean, some people have the weirdest fetishes. What happened to just fucking the cat and shitting in your woman's purse?

Anyways, I'm thinking to myself, what other fucked up shit can I type in my blog to attract these weird fuckers? I don't imagine I'll get any traffic from any of these phrases, but hey, the more the merrier.

poop stain munchies

goat lipstick

stinky toe jam pictures

blender coitus

how get cum stain out of moose hair

crap flinging tournament movies

I had sex with a porcupine and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

Ah, the American Dream!

So I was checking out the news on Yahoo when I noticed something peculiar at the bottom:

Out of the five most recent stories on the Entertainment section of Yahoo, three of them mention people being sued.

Three out of five.

That's insane.

Why isn't it all five?

What kind of society have we become that we value other news over stories of entertainers being sued? Why aren't we living the American Dream?

If those other two stories have anything to do with lawsuits, they should explicitly express that in the headlines:

• Winfrey 'furious' at Snubbing Allegations, sues Chicago Defender, City of Chicago, Jesus
• Alleged Trespasser Enters Aniston's Home, presumably to sue

Now watch as Yahoo sues me for illegally using their material...

Don't worry, I'll just sue them for suing me, and then sue for having to counter-sue. Despite being Canadian, I know how to live the American Dream.

Meat From Where?

I live in an area of Edmonton that has a large population of East Indians, so I've gotten used to being surrounded by people wearing turbans. This doesn't really bother me at all, because I'm generally very respectful of other peoples races, cultures, religions, and the like. I figure they have just as much right to be there as I do.

That being said, every once in awhile my maturity level takes a dip.

Mrs Humble and I were finishing up at the hardware store, where our clerk happened to be East Indian. I was very polite, payed for my purchases, and got out the main door before I shamefully let out a giggle. The clerk's name was Arshmeet.

Arshmeet...

Arse-meat?

I know what you're thinking: oh, really mature, Mr Humble Guy. But come on! If she grew up in Edmonton, you know that she must have been bugged about that in school! Besides, if you want maturity, you're on the wrong blog.

Great, now I'm going to get a bunch of traffic from guys searching for "arse meat"...

Crrrappy Names...

In Canada, we have a chain of coffee shops called Second Cup that does what coffee shops do best: sell marginally appealing beverages for outrageous prices. I don't go very often for this very reason, but every once in awhile I have a few bucks to waste. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Give it to the needy? You crack me up.

Anyway, it turns out that the feature for the month at Second Cup is the Frrrozen Hot Chocolate. I'll admit that I don't exactly know what Frrrozen is, but I do know what Frozen is, and if Frrrozen is anything related to Frozen, then we have a problem.

You see, frozen is a term related to temperature, basically meaning to solidify due to absence of heat. Hot is also a term related to temperature, basically meaning having an abundance of heat. The two are in direct conflict, and poor chocolate is stuck in the middle.

But seriously, shouldn't Frozen and Hot cancel each other out? Obviously "rr Chocolate" doesn't have the same effect, but you can't argue with science. And what the fuck is up with the extra "r"'s? Is it supposed to elevate the word Frozen so that it's something more? Is it supposed to mean that it's colder than frozen? Or perhaps it's supposed to depict someone so cold that they can't even pronouce the word properly? Well, I've got a frozen stutter for Second Cup: fffuck you and your stupid fffucking drink. Call it what it really is: a chocolate slush. I might actually try it then.

Sorry for the rant, but the stupidity of some people really bugs me. Especially when said people make more money than I do.

On a side note, I'm thinking that the Frrrozen Hot Chocolate has got to be the official drink of Icy Hot Suntaz.

Communism Just Doesn't Fly...

As I have mentioned a few times before, my I.Q. drops about 50 points during the night, and doesn't recover until at least five minutes after I've woken up. Therefore, as soon as I wake up, I'm retarded for a few minutes.

...I've also mentioned before that I wake up to the TV instead of an alarm clock, since I like to catch a bit of the news in the morning.

When you put these two together, you can sometimes get some pretty interesting results. Like yesterday morning, for example. I happened to hear something about a Canadian CF-18 fighter jet crashing during a training excercise in Quebec. The only reason that I paid any attention to it was because it seems the last few weeks have been a bad few weeks to fly (what with the crashes in Greece and Venezuela). Then I thought that I heard that the pilot, Captain Karl Marx, ejected to safety.

...wait a minute...Captain Karl Marx?

Captain Karl Marx, Defender of the Proletariat, is out to kick some Bourgeois ass

Ah, Captain Karl. Your plane flew in theory, but it just didn't work in the real world.

Unfortunately, it turns out that the pilot's name was actually "Colin Marks", which I apparently missed in my morning stupor. I suppose it's for the best. That kid would have been bugged mercilessly in Grade 9 social studies class.

Mr Humble Guy on Dieting

Okay, I need to get this out in the open right off the bat: I'm not overweight, and I don't have a lot of fat on me.

That being said, I'm also on a high protein, low fat diet right now. The reason for this is that the bit of fat that I do have is right on my belly, meaning I don't have the rock-hard tasty abs look that I want. And even though that I've been working out almost four times a week for the last few months, I haven't noticed much of an improvement in my belly area. Thus, the specialized diet.

I've been on it for about a week now, and I have so much sympathy for anyone struggling to stay on a diet. I'm thinking about food constantly, which is making me hungry all the time! I feel like Peter off of "Family Guy" when he asks the network executive, "Are you gonna eat that stapler?"

And I've heard tons of advice that doesn't work:

• Protein will make you feel full for longer. Well, it's supposed to, but I've been eating five ounces of protein-rich food (like salmon and tuna) at every meal in addition to all the other stuff I have to eat...and I'm still hungry
  
• Eat slower, and you'll feel more full. Yeah, I tried that. I even tried stretching a meal over an hour long period. It just made my food cold, and I was still hungry afterwards.
  
• Eat more fiber, and you'll feel more full, plus it helps keep you regular. Unfortunately, I tried this. And yes, it did make me feel more full...for a while. This is where the "keeping me regular" part comes in. Yes, it did keep me regular. At regular five-minute intervals, I was running the the can to release some of the most explosive diarrhea known to man. In a choice between being hungry and having concentrated liquid evil shooting out my ass, I choose being hungry.

Anyway, my diet took a huge hit yesterday. I was doing a bunch of home reno work to surprise Mrs Humble, and I worked up a hunger that 5 ounces of tuna, 2 slices of rye bread, 1 cup romaine lettuce, 1/2 cup sliced carrots, 2 tbsp of fat-free dressing, and an cup of orange juice just couldn't fill. No, this was a hunger that only a pizza and a half could fill, and believe me, I enjoyed every grease-laden bite of it.

PS: The diet has actually been working so far. I have lost a few pounds already, and provided that I don't have anymore pizza episodes, I'll hopefully notice a difference in my waist by the end of the month.

Mr Humble Guy Attempts Arguement...Makes Ass Of Self...

You know it's a slow news day when a story like this is posted:

I mean, seriously? Someone mowing a lawn becomes news? Why would anyone be interested it this? You see stupid crap like this all the time. A half-baked reporter could write a piece about even the most mediocre of quasi-celebrities doing something absolutely trivial, and the stupid public would want to read about it.

Perhaps my arguement would be stronger if it wasn't so obvious that I clicked on the link to read the story...

Just Chillin'

I am one of those people who loves to sleep in a cold room. I'd rather sleep in a room where I have snotsicles frozen in my nose and five blankets on top of me than in a room where all you need is a sheet to stay warm.

I picked it myself...

Anyways, after years of sleeping in a room that just wasn't cold enough, I was finally able to convince Mrs. Humble that we needed an air conditioner for the bedroom. After a few disappointing searches at Costco and Wal Mart, we finally found our jewel in the rough: the sub-$100 air conditioner.

Oh, the range of emotions I experienced thereafter...

• I giggled like a little schoolgirl as I brought this wonderous A/C unit up to the till.
  
• I raced home and up the stairs with excitement as I prepared to install my new sensational A/C unit.
  
• I cocked my confused head as I realized that the instructions for my still somewhat excellent A/C unit didn't apply to my type of window.
  
• I frustratingly laboured to build a trailer-trash plywood frame to house my suddenly-flawed A/C unit.
  
• I winced as I heard how loud my increasingly substandard A/C unit ran, but took comfort in the fact that it would only have to run for an hour or two before we went to bed to keep the room cold all night.
  
• I cursed with annoyance at my wretched A/C unit when I woke up at 1:30am in the hottest, stuffiest room in Edmonton. Running it for another half-hour does more to wake me up than cool the room down.
  
• Having gotten hardly any sleep, I spitefully (and tiredly) packed up my piece of shit A/C unit to send it back to the hell from whence it came.

So, once again, Mrs. Humble and I are resorting to natural air conditioning (aka Leaving the window open) to cool the house down. I guess it's not so bad...snotsicles are kinda gross after all...

Houses, Grasshoppers, And The Importance Of Feeling Useful

Sure, it's been a couple of days since the weekend, but I promised that I'd post about it. Besides, I would have posted this yesterday, but my computer was fubar'd for reasons unknown.

My in-laws are building a new house on a acreage a few kilometers out from my hometown of Whitecourt. Unbeknowsnt to me but knownst to my wife, we had promised to spend our long weekend helping them with some of the construction. I was a bit disappointed, but considering my father-in-law has helped us with a ton of our projects, it really was the least we could do.

When we get out to the acreage, the first thing we notice are the grasshoppers. They're everywhere. Millions of the little fuckers are hopping all over the site. Some of them are even committing suicide by jumping right into the windshield as we drove up. Luckily, my dog Bear knew just what to do.

As for the actual work, it wasn't too bad. The only real problem was that there were too many chiefs and not enough indians, if you know what I mean. I spent the majority of my weekend standing around because my father-in-law was too busy to tell me what he needed done. Kinda funny, huh? And every time I tried to help him with whatever he was doing, he'd say "Don't worry, I've got it".

Boy, did I feel important! How useful was I?

• About as useful as a condom at a lesbian convention.
• About as useful as a vote for the Green Party.
• About as useful as the National Gun Registry (Way to put a dent in violent crime! I sure don't see any of that anymore! That's $2 Billion well spent! Thank you, Exceedingly Expensive National Gun Registry, for making the streets safe again! )

Well, at least Bear was still having a good time.

Getting Caught Up...Sorta...

As it has already been pointed out many times already, I have been a bit of a tardy bitch with my posting as of late. It's been a mixture of a busy work schedule, busy weekend schedule, and a noticeable lack of Iron Keith yammering for me to "update my damn blog already". That's right...I'm man enough to admit that everyone is to blame except me for not having an up-to-date blog.

So, two weekends ago was my buddy Justin's wedding, in which he was unfortunate enough to have me as a groomsman. The nice memories of the wedding, as in how lovely the ceremony was and how happy the newlyweds looked, are a bit muddy thanks to the not-so-nice memories, such as myself getting smashed at the open bar and making an ass of myself on the dance floor. Note to Brad To The Bone: Thanks for teaching Jim the "Tampon Dance" a few weeks ago. It certainly was a classy dance for him to break out at the wedding.

All of last week I spent waiting for the weekend. I had just had a really busy weekend, and my week was full of client meetings. I had one day where two meetings took up the entire day. I mean, I know that I have to be nice to you considering I want to take your money and all, but stop fucking talking already! Seriously, meetings shouldn't take that long. Romantic rendezvous, on the other hand...

Anyway, the point is that I needed another weekend to recouperate. Ah yes, a nice long weekend of rest...

...which was dashed away when my wife reminded me that we were scheduled to help her parents do construction on their house all weekend. I'll post more about this last weekend later.

Oh, and I almost forgot about the pictures from the stag party a few weeks back. I was looking over them, and there are actually very few pictures that aren't, how do you say, incriminating...
However, I decided that I could post one picture. Do you know when you drive into a new town and it has that sign as you come in that shows what services the town has? For example...

Well, in Fairmont, they have this one...

I mean, come on! That is definately a sign for a Rub n' Tug if I've ever seen one! But what the hell is that freaky thing coming off of Silky Hands' elbow? It's like she has two forearms on her left arm. Well, at least if things don't work out at the parlour, she could always join a freak show.

So there you go. A couple of weeks poorly summarized in a crudely written draft.