I Swear...Someone Else Bought Them!!!

Despite warnings that it could be hazardous to my health, I went ahead and bought an 20GB iPod Photo recently. The sleek cool factor to this little piece of hardware proved too tempting for me, and the roughly 5000 song capacity was just the cherry on top of my click-wheel and colour screen sundae.

But as I was walking out of the store with my new music machine, I had a sudden difficult question arise: are there even 5000 songs that I like?

I’ve noticed that lately I hate way more music than I like. I rarely listen to radio anymore, haven’t bought a CD in months, and haven’t downloaded a song since sometime last year. My Launchcast station is filled with thousands of ratings of “Never Play On My Station”. I’m sorry, but nothing will ruin my day like hearing hip hop, ska, rap, punk, folk, emo, new age, techno, pop rock, cock rock, crap rock, overrated but under-talented classic rock, or religious music. Hey, I just like music that doesn’t suck.

Well, at least I have my CD collection that I’ve been amassing since I was 12.

Have you ever gone over your CD collection and wondered, “What the hell was I thinking when I bought this?” I had this happen to me as I took a good look at mine. I still have some of the first CD’s I ever bought…and my tastes have apparently changed over time.

So, I decided to show you a few select samples of my collection, and let you know what I must have been thinking when I bought them.

Ren & Stimpy: Radio Daze

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: I have too much money.

Def Leppard: Hysteria

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: No, Dan, I don’t know what has 9 arms and sucks. But I’m about to buy this CD, so tell me the punch line when I get back, okay?

Snow: Informer

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: Man, this guy rocks! “Informa, you know she gobbada ya de abba playa, I lick you bum bum, yeah!”

Soundtrack: Encino Man

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: Pauly Shore is a comic genius! And this is the soundtrack to a movie that Pauly Shore was in! It has to be good!

Blind Melon: Blind Melon

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: They’ve got to have more than one good song…(famous last words for a lot of the CD’s that bought)

Soundtrack: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: GO NINJA! GO NINJA! GO!!!

Savage Garden: Savage Garden

Mr Humble Guy Must Have Been Thinking: …but how am I going to convince everyone at the party that I’m a homosexual?

Needless to say, I haven't filled up my iPod yet.

Yoga Is Awesome...

My buddy IronKeith brought this to my attention yesterday while he was busy doing things other than work. MSN had a page up promoting a segment called "What's Your Yoga Style". I wasn't particularly interested since I figured yoga is yoga, but I checked out the page anyways.

I was a little surprised to notice that the picture that they chose to promote the segment was that of a man performing fellatio on himself.

Really, out of all the yoga pictures that they could have chosen, they went with that one. What was the thought process on this one? How can one not see the obvious sexual depiction? People who make decisions like this make blogging easy.

Perhaps if they changed the title of the article?

Well, at least someone else noticed it. When I checked a few hours later, they had changed the picture to one a little more PG-13.

I wonder if there are yoga classes near my house...

Ikea Addendum...

I had to post this addendum to my previous Ikea post. Take a look at this picture.

Now, if you can't understand the extremely detailed and easy-to-follow Ikea illustrations of how to build your new piece of furniture, then the Ikea illustrations of what to do when you are confused will leave you absolutely proper fucked.

If you're staring at the box all confused-like, then go to Ikea, grab one of our phones, take it about a quarter-mile outside the door, tangle yourself in the cord, and give us a call. That will make everything better.

I...I...I...IKEA!!!

Last night, Mrs Humble and I decided that we needed a coffee table that would suit our new house, so we went to Ikea. As per usual, I was kinda ho-hum about going. Not that there is anything wrong with Ikea...it's just not my favourite place to be.

That is, until last night.

In general, shopping carts only have two wheels that can change direction. It's just like a car: the back wheels are locked straight, while the front two can rotate in order to make the necessary turns. As well, at least one of these four wheels has a rock stuck in it so it won't roll at all.

The Ikea shopping cart, on the other hand, has all four wheels that can rotate, which means unparalleled maneuverability. You could push it sideways if you wanted! Plus, all four wheels rolled effortlessly. To top things off, since we were at Ikea so late in the day, the place was damn near empty.

What choice did I have? I had to do freestyle shopping cart, much to the dismay and embarrassment of Mrs Humble. Trust me, you won't believe how much fun it is until you try it. "Oh, what? We have to make a left turn now? Well, I'll just spin this cart in a quick 270° turn, then whip it around for a reverse 360° and we'll be on our way."

Seriously, I want an Ikea shopping cart for Christmas.

Anyway, we got our stuff home, and I assembled all of our new purchases. I've heard that some people actually have a problem assembling stuff from Ikea. Personally, I've never had a problem, but I can understand why some people might get a bit frustrated. Hell, one of the first diagrams tells you to stare at the box looking confused.

For those few people who can't get past this stage, you should look at like this: Ikea furniture is like Lego for adults. If you can't follow the instructions, then you can probably still build something pretty cool instead and call it your own. I just wouldn't recommend sitting on it, though.

Moving On...

I successfully made the move from Edmonton to Calgary this past weekend, and now that I've got my internet back up, I can resume my busy schedule of wasting time.

But seriously, moving can be quite taxing on the body. Mrs Humble had been getting stuff packed up for weeks, so when we got the moving truck on Friday, we'd be all ready to go. However, it was just going to be the two of us moving all of our crap into the truck...and we have a lot of crap. Loading the truck became an all-day affair.

Moving can also be quite taxing on your relationship with your significant other. You both know that it's going to be stressful, and you both try to maintain a pleasant demeanour, but it's really hard when your exhausted. Consider this re-enactment*:

8:30am
Mr Humble Guy: Okay, we got the truck! Let's get this sucker packed up!
Mrs Humble: I can't believe we're packing up to move to Calgary! I love you!
Mr Humble Guy: I love you too sweetie!

11:00am
Mr Humble Guy: Whew! This is tough. Let's take a short break...my legs are a bit sore.
Mrs Humble: Okay, but I want to get back to it right away.
Mr Humble Guy: ...okay, forget about it. Let's go. Love you.
Mrs Humble: Love you too.

2:00pm
Mr Humble Guy: Don't put that box there!
Mrs Humble: Why the hell not?
Mr Humble Guy: CAUSE I GOT A FUCKING SYSTEM AND THAT BOX DOESN'T GO THERE, THAT'S WHY

2:01pm
Mr Humble Guy: I'm sorry I yelled. I love you
Mrs Humble: It's okay. I love you too

2:05pm
Mr Humble Guy: I'M NOT SORRY I YELLED ANYMORE!!!
Mrs Humble: YOU'RE THE ANTICHRIST!!!

2:06pm
Mr Humble Guy: Sorry
Mrs Humble: Sorry

5:00pm
Mr Humble Guy: Holy fucking shit, we've been loading fucking shit into that fucking truck all fucking day and we still have tons of fucking shit left to load
Mrs Humble: ...your point is very subtle...

7:00pm
Conversation has descended to pointing and grunting

8:00pm
My brother Dan arrives to help
Dan: Well you guys have been packing all day, and if you keep trying to Tetris everything in here, we'll be here all night. It's time to just start tossing shit in.
Mr Humble Guy: (approving grunt)
Mrs Humble: (approving grunt)

11:00pm
Mr Humble Guy: (grunt)..mm.nrr...sonofa...(grunt)...mrrr...done...
Mrs Humble: (blink)
Mr Humble Guy: ...love you...
Mrs Humble: (grunt)

* This "re-enactment" is an extreme exaggeration of actual events. All quotes are not "word for word" or even "accurate" and "may not have even happened". The grunts, on the other hand, are 100% accurate...

The Power Of Poo

The other night I was woken up rather rudely by my bowels letting me know that it was time to poo. In fact, they made it quite clear that it was time to poo. The fact that it was 2:30am didn't matter to them. That's the joy about having Irritable Bowel Syndrome: if you've ever wanted to be woken up from a peaceful slumber because of gut-wrenching cramps, then boy howdy you're in luck.

To make matters worse, not only am I on the can at 2:30am with my insides feeling like they're churning butter, but my nose is completely plugged up. Some of you may argue that I might not want to smell my foul deeds and a stuffy nose is a good thing, but I'd much rather be able to breathe normally. Besides, another wonderful thing about IBS: just because your stomach tells you that you need to poo doesn't mean you'll be able to poo right away.

Case in point: I was sitting there for an hour before I was finally able to go. Seriously, an hour.

Funny thing, though...once I finally did poo, my nose cleared up.

I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

On another note, there is a funny thing that I've noticed about the medication that I take for IBS. I decided to look up some of the side effects of these pills, and I found that they included possibility of: intestinal discomfort, constipation, and diarrhea (among others).

Intestinal discomfort...constipation...and diarrhea. In other words, possible side effects are that IT MIGHT NOT FUCKING WORK AT ALL!

Well, Someone Had To Say It...

I've actually spent about a week mulling over the political correctness of blogging about the Hurricane Katrina disaster. As you know, it's not my style to blog about anything really serious. I blog to make fun of the stupid stuff that happens in life, and for me to joke about anything Katrina-related would probably be crossing the line for a lot of people.

Then again, I didn't start this blog with the intention of making friends, so here we go.

• Hurricane starts. There is massive destruction and the death toll is unknown.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: My goodness, that's terrible...I mean, it's on every single channel...
  
  
• Days afterwards, people start looting.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: Well, they haven't been receiving a lot of supplies. They probably just need food. Go ahead, looters! Stick it to the Man!
  
  
• Video of the looting shows people stealing computers and televisions.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: You fucking morons! What are you going to do with a computer? THERE'S NO FUCKING POWER!
  
  
• People at the Superdome complain that they're stranded.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: I can understand that some people are injured and cannot move easily on their own. These people need a bus to take them somewhere safe. But the last time I checked, buses don't float too well. That means if they're transporting people out by bus, there must be a clear road. If you're so desperate to get out of there, then get off your fucking ass and walk.
  
  
• Some of the rescue workers get shot at by the people they are trying to save.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: Uh, I don't think that's really helping the rescue operations go any more smoothly, but thanks for trying...
  
  
• A benefit concert with a bunch of celebrities is to be held.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: Okay, so a bunch of guys whose combined income is in the billions are going to appear on television without having to make a contribution themselves to plead for money from the public. That's a pretty good deal for these celebrities: An awesome publicity stunt without any up-front cost.
  
  
• At said benefit concert, Kanye West departs from his scripted comments and says that President George Bush doesn't care about black people.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: Who was that nigger up there with Mike Myers? (I realize that I'm probably creating a shit storm by using the 'n' word, but everyone just calm down. I'm only kidding. I honestly don't hate black people.)
  
  
• While he is on a rescue mission, Sean Penn's motor boat gets a hole in it and starts taking on water. He is able to bail the water out and get back to shore safely.
  
  Mr Humble Guy thinks: Goddammit! Who gave that man a bail?

Well, now that I've said all that, I've probably got a lot of nasty comments coming my way. Time to duck and cover...