Now That's Convenience!

Now, is it just me, or does anyone else find that unintentionally hilarious?

iDangerous

Part of my everyday morning routine is to try and catch a bit of the morning news. That way, if the Earth blew up overnight, I’m not the last to know. Hey, you’ve got to keep on top of these things…

Anyways, I was dozing through most of the news until the newscaster announced, “Coming up next: Studies now show that your iPod could be hazardous to your health. The full story after the break.”

Of course, I perked up right away. I’d JUST given an iPod to my wife for her birthday! And now this thing was going to kill her! I’m the worst husband ever!

Look at it…just sitting there...plotting...

But how? How was this thing out to get me and my loved ones? What could they have just discovered now that they couldn’t have warned me before? I didn’t have to sign a waver when I purchased it. We haven’t been mean to it in the few days that we’ve had it. I started making guesses as to what terrible flaw the iPod could have.

• While small and seemingly harmless, the iPod can actually spit out enough radiation to give cancer to everyone in a three mile radius


• When there are finally enough iPods everywhere, the Apple Mothercomputer will send out an order to every iPod to take over the world, and our only hope relies on the one renegade rapper/cop who believed iPods were evil from the start
  
  
  



• On Judgement Day, iPod will become self aware, and start a war with humanity. In a desperate move, it will send one of its own back in time to terminate Sarah Connor

Finally, the newscast came back on. I held my breath, as well as a hammer overtop my wife’s demon iPod. I’ll teach you to endanger my family!!!

Well, fear and paranoia soon turned to disgust and disappointment. What was the ground-breaking news?

Listening to your iPod at high volumes can cause hearing damage.

Well, thanks for the newsflash, Captain Obvious! Hey, if you thought that was good, I’ve got a couple of doozies for ya!

Kitchen knives can cut you if you’re not careful.

Drivers under the influence of alcohol are more likely to get in an accident than sober drivers.

Firearms are dangerous.

Mucho-Classy Re-enactment

Okay, so here is the ultra-condensed re-enactment of my “mucho-classy” weekend.

Friday Evening

Mr Humble Guy: You know, Hon…the weather just might hold out if those clou…

(Starts pissing rain)

Mother Nature: PWN3D!!1!
Mr Humble Guy: Well, this is nothing that a little social drink can’t cure.

(scenes missing)

Early Early Early Saturday Morning

Bear (Mr Humble Guy’s puppy): I’ve had enough sleep! I want to get up!
Mr Humble Guy: nnnghhhghh…
Bear: I had a bone in here somewhere! I’m going to chew it! I like making lots of noise!
Mrs Humble: ...crap, we left his bone in his kennel with him. He’s not going to go back to sleep with that in there.
Mr Humble Guy: …nnnghghggmmm’kay…
Bear: Chewing my bone…chewing my OMFG!!!MRHUMBLEGUY!!!LEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUT!!!
Mr Humble Guy: …sorry Bear, I’m just taking your bone away. Go back to sleep.
Bear: Wha…what the…huh? Ah, crap.

(Everyone goes back to sleep)

Early Saturday Afternoon

Aunt Donna: Sure, I’ll play Texas Hold’em with you guys, but I don’t really know how to play poker, so go easy on me...

(Aunt Donna wins basically every game)

Late Saturday Afternoon

Momma Humble: Well, it’s still pissing rain, so the golfing is going to be shitty and we’re going to get soaked. Who still wants to golf?
Everyone: I do.

Early-Mid Saturday Evening

Brad: Well, drinking and golfing and drinking has been fun, but Blair’s stag party is going on tonight.
Mr Humble Guy: Geez, if we don’t go into town, we’re gonna miss some serious drinking…

(Brad and Mr Humble Guy go back into town)

Late Saturday Night

(scenes missing)

Early Sunday Morning

Mr Humble Guy: Well, our camping weekend is pretty much over and all that’s left is to pack up and leave…I’m just going to take a peek outside and see if all is like I suspect...
Mother Nature: SUNSHINE!!! WARM TEMPERATURES!!!
Mr Humble Guy: Yup, that’s about right. Mother Nature, you’re such a whore.

Camptastic...

I can't believe my fucking luck. My family and our extended group of friends has had a weekend of camping and golfing planned for months, and now it's going to be raining for the whole fucking time that we're there.

Well, at least my buddy Brad is going to suffer through it too, and with the amount of booze and shenanigans that these weekends usually produce, expect a "mucho-classy" weekend wrapup sometime early next week.

Mr Slippy-Fist...

Have you ever had an extremely strict deadline for a project, like where you had to quickly do a bunch of work without thinking it through much in order to get it done? Where you're so rushed that you don't even have the time to look things over to make sure everything completely makes sense? Where, perhaps, if you had been able to think things through, you wouldn't have made so many obvious slip-ups?

The folks at the Edmonton Sun unfortunately had this problem the other day. Michael Jackson was declared not guilty of a bunch of SEXUALLY-RELATED crimes, and the next morning, the paper was distributed with this cover:

Now, I'm probably a little more perverted than most people, but you don't need a sick mind to laugh your ass off at that. How could they miss the obvious sexual connotation there? My only thinking is that they printed off a bunch beforehand, and if Jacko were to be judged guilty, they could just add this little bit to the bottom:

Excuse me...diaper sex?

Nappy: A British word for diaper.

Shag: A slang term for engaging in sexual intercourse.

You can imagine my amusement when I came across a road sign for Shaganappi Trail on my recent trip to Calgary.

Butterfingers...

Mrs. Humble and I have been rather busy as of late with some home renovation projects. This weekend, we mudded over some of the larger holes in the walls, painted the entryway and the kitchen, laid some new linoleum tiles in the entryway and the bathroom, and installed all the baseboards on the main floor. Believe it or not, this busy weekend was a nice, slow pace compared to how work has been going lately.

However, things didn’t go entirely smoothly with the home reno thanks to my butterfingers. I’m not sure what my problem was this weekend, but I couldn’t hold onto anything to save my life. A brief list of the things that I dropped this weekend:

• A paint brush (full of paint)
  
• A paint roller (again, full of paint)
  
• A paint can lid (covered in paint, of course)
  
• A hammer
  
• A pry bar
  
• A palm sander
  
• A screwdriver (I must have dropped the same one at least five times)
  
• Various screws
  
• A vacuum cleaner
  
• A wrench (luckily, my face broke its fall)
  
• Innumerable F-Bombs
  
• Two brown baby boys (I call them “The Twins”…I ate way too much the night before at my boss’s stag party)

Well, at least the house looks better. The entryway looks brand new, and the new baseboards really make the main floor look sharp. Overall, it was time and money well spent.

PS - For those of you who know me well and are wondering how my bathroom could be alright after “The Twins”, I assure you that my bathroom is fine. WalMart’s washroom, on the other hand…

In A Swingin' Mood...

Some time ago, Pat Boone took an odd step and released a CD called "In A Metal Mood", which was a collection of cover songs. Cover songs aren't really that odd, but when you take a "metal" song and "jazzify" it...well, that's kinda odd. Not to say that nobody has done it before. There's a hilarious artist called Richard Cheese who takes all sorts of songs and sings them as a Lounge cover. For a good laugh, check out his cover of Disturbed's "Down With The Sickness".

Anyways, there is another CD with this theme coming out next week...from Paul Anka. That's right, the guy who sang "Puppy Love" and "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" back in the late 50's/early 60's is now singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Eye Of The Tiger". Entitled Rock Swings, Paul Anka's new CD covers rock and pop songs by Bon Jovi, Soundgarden, Michael Jackson, and a bunch of others, but all set to a swing beat.

Seriously, the jokes here are writing themselves. Come on...Paul Anka singing Soundgarden?

However, I've listened to a few clips, and while they're quite funny, I was surprised at how well done they were. I suggest you check them out.