I've got to get a new hair stylist...

So it hasn't been exactly four months (it's only been two), but it's time to get my hair cut again. As I mentioned last time, I have my usual place where I go due to it being quick and cheap. I mean, how hard could it be to cut hair?

Apparently, it's hard enough. The slow stylist from last time has been replaced by one who is even slower, and can't even get a buzz cut right.

Stylist: So, how's this?
Mr Humble Guy: Is it just me, or does my hair have a big patch in the front that's an inch longer than the rest?
Stylist: No, that's how it is.
Mr Humble Guy: ...Aren't you going to cut it?

To cap things off, when she's cutting this patch, she's using the scissors to take 1/16" at a time, and all these little bits of hair are sticking to my face. No problem, says I, because she'll wipe it off soon...

More hair on my face. She'll wipe it off soon...

5 minutes later. Even more hair sticking to my face. Still hasn't wiped it off.

10 minutes later (she was honestly this slow). Finishes cutting my hair. My face looks like fucking Chewbacca.

Stylist: So, how does that look now?
Mr Humble Guy: EHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Jasper silliness...

I took last Friday off so Mrs Humble and I could have an extra long weekend in Jasper. She had rented a B&B just outside of the park, so we were pretty excited about doing some hiking and sightseeing and whatnot.

Long story short: the B&B was wonderful, scenery was beautiful, blah blah blah. Onto the funny stuff...

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As we often do when we're driving through Jasper, we saw a lot of wildlife. Here was one exchange we had during one such encounter:

Mr Humble Guy: Look, a doe.
Mrs Humble: A deer.
Mr Humble Guy: ...a female deer...
Mrs Humble: ...
Mr Humble Guy: ...

Mr Humble Guy and Mrs Humble spontaneously break into song...

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Later on, when driving through Hinton in search of a decent place to eat, we happened upon a place called Vic's. The large sign out front advertised:

Steak...

Mr Humble Guy: Mmm...

...Pasta...

Mr Humble Guy: Mmm Mmm...

...and Curry...

Mr Humble Guy: ...Huh?

Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very worldly-cultured guy, but that combination just seems odd to me. You just don't see those words together that often, especially around where I grew up. Maybe if I liked curry more...

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So on our way home, we had to pass through Edson. After a few days of stopping at nearly every campsite we could find to check out the hiking trails, my eyes had been trained to catch every sign for a campsite even as we drove home. We were a few minutes east of Edson when I saw a campsite sign, and I had a good laugh when I found out the campsite was named "East Of Edson".

I'm going out on a limb here, but I kinda get the feeling that they didn't think too hard about naming their campground. Now maybe I'm wrong. It does have a name that makes you want to stay there, doesn't it? Why would you stay at a "Mountain Stream" or "Douglas Fir Cove" when you could stay at "East of Edson"? Or maybe they got tired of giving people directions? I could just imagine how often this joke gets told...

Potential Camper: So, whereabouts are you guys located?
East Of Edson: Just East of Edson. Hehehe!

Hehehe...I want to bash my head in with a hammer just thinking about it.

Flushy flushy...

My buddy Iron Keith and I were having a Messenger conversation today when he brought me up to speed on the "Flushing The Quran" story. Apparently, there was a news item about interrogators at Guantanamo Bay trying to get terror suspects to talk by "desecrating the holy book of Islam" ie. Flushing it down the toilet. It seems now that the whole story is bullshit.

Well, duh! What toilet in the world can flush a Bible? I have a hard enough time trying to flush my poo down the toilet! Mind you, there are times that I've taken a Bible-sized poo before, and I make a point of ending those off with a "Thank God!" (which is repeated if it actually flushes).

If they actually had toilets with that much flushing power, shouldn't we be worried about losing some of the smaller soldiers? Can you imagine the letter that would have to be sent to the parents?

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Henderson, we regret to inform you that your son is currently making his way through the Guananamo Bay sewer system. He fought a valiant fight, and died bravely. In his honour, he was given a 21 flush salute."

As well, if a toilet were big enough and powerful enough to flush a Quran, wouldn't the company advertise that fact?

Introducing: The Freedom Flush! Large enough to flush the Quran! Powerful enough to flush the French! Made entirely from the finest Chinese porcelain, the Freedom Flush features a limited edition Mission: Accomplished paint job for you to take pride in while you do your business, and also plays "The Star Spangled Banner" when you're done! The Freedom Flush: Flushing Terrorism Since 2005!

Thanks Iron Keith for the collaborative effort.

Read this, you epididymis...

Last week, I referred to a website called Commercials I Hate. Well, today, I'd like to make my own contribution. Have you seen this new commercial for Coke with Lime? It alters the lyrics to the Harry Nilsson song "Coconut" to say, "You put the Lime in the Coke, you nut..."

"Nut" is an odd word to use, isn't it? I know that they used it to make it similar to the original song, but I can't really think of a positive connotation to calling someone a "nut". Since I'm pretty sure they're not trying to call me a hexagonal piece of metal hardware, I've deduced that they're either trying to make an assumption of my mental instability or they are calling me a slang term for a testicle. Either way, I don't think it's a great selling feature. I seem to recall a prediction by Conan O'Brien in his, "In the Year 2000" skit, that said something along the lines of, "Coke and Pepsi will merge to form a company so powerful, and so conceited, that they'll name their product, 'Drink This, You Sucky Loserface' "

Seriously, labelling someone a human reproductive organ, slang or no slang, doesn't usually yield a favorable response. Here are some examples:

Hey Cunt! Pass the salad!

What time is it, Cock?

You left your keys in your car, you Vas Deferens.

Love Is...

Again, for those who share my sense of humor, check this site out.

Chocolately Shatner...

Killing some time this morning, I stumbled across a site called Commercials I Hate. Some were funny, even though a lot were just, "This is an unrealistic situation, therefore it is stupid". However, I finally scrolled to this one about chocolate bars:

My current loathesome commercial is still any ad for a chocolate bar where they show this "naked" candy bar penis plunging into a wet chocolate vagina. It's so disturbing I can't even tell you.

I laughed for about 5 minutes straight...

Garbage Sales and the Court...

It was Spring Cleanup time in the Humble household this past week, and there was a lot of crap that we had to get rid of. We had so much junk that we needed to dispose of that we could hardly fit it all in the car. With a vehicle filled to capacity with useless trash, there is only one place to go...

Of course, I'm talking about my hometown's annual Charity Garage Sale. Those of you who thought I was taking it to the dump have obviously never seen what stupid stuff people will buy from a garage sale. I swear you could sell a toothbrush at a garage sale if you waited long enough.

Anyways, we stuff all of our junk in the car and head on our way to my hometown of Whitecourt, Alberta. Whitecourt is growing all the time, which is really nice to see, but every once in awhile I'm reminded of what a redneck place it can be. This brings me to the real reason why I'm writing today.

The Charity Garage Sale was taking place at one of the elementary schools in town. The highest grade taught at this school was Grade 3. As we pulled into the parking lot, my eyes caught a pair of signs that each said, "This stall is reserved for students, 8:00am - 4:30pm, Mon-Fri".

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't think that eight or nine year old kids would need their own parking spaces. It kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? Are kids riding their Power Wheels to school? Or if they're older, how could someone afford a vehicle if they couldn't even make it past the third grade? I know that a lot of jobs can be mindless at times, but I think most of them require at least a third grade education. Also, is parking that much in demand? For a school where the highest grade taught is Grade 3, you would think that having even one designated student parking stall would be more than sufficient.

It's little things like this that really make me proud of my hometown.

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V...

I love movies, but I'm starting to get annoyed with them. To me, it seems that the majority of movies are just copying off of each other. Mrs Humble and I rented six movies on the weekend, watched five of them, and they all had the same idea: a plot with a bunch of holes, filled with untapped potential, and a disappointing ending. I mean, it's like paying for half of a handjob. Sure, you have a decent enough time while it's going, but when it's over, you're left frustrated and upset that you spent money for the experience.

Seriously, screenplay writers, if you're going to copy from other movies, take the good stuff. Just because Blade 3 didn't make any sense doesn't mean you have to go that route with your movie. Or better yet, don't copy at all. Be bold and original! Take a giant leap with some crazy ideas, like having decent dialogue! Maybe even have character development! And here's a novel idea: if you introduce a story line, why don't you finish it! It may sound crazy for a movie to actually finish a story line, but it just might work!