For those of you with too much time on your hands...

Some of my friends have set up blogs of their own, and I definately recommend that you read them if you need a good laugh, or if you just need to kill some time, or whatever. Just go read them.

Brad To The Bone

Iron Keith

Tops! Selling Good Times in Liquid Form since 1954

Okay, so it's a bit late to recap the gong show that was last weekend, so I'll do my best to get through Friday night as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I was invited over to a friends place for dinner on Friday. Three of my great friends, Justin, Jim, and Ryan, all live together in a house, and more importantly can stand me when I get drunk. My friends inviting me over for dinner on the weekend by my definition means that there is going to be some irresponsible drinking ahead.

So after dinner around 8:00pm, I says, "Okay, let's get shit-faced." So we go to the local Tops House of Liquor and Porn to pick out our booze for the night. For those who don't know what Tops is, it's a liquor store and a convenience store side by side, but the convenience store is loaded with an unhealthy level of porn. And not just your normal porn like Playboy or Swank. The last time we went there, they had a used copy of Pregnant and Horny. A USED COPY! Think of the mental picture you get when you hear 'used copy of porno'. Anyway, back to the liquor. I decided to go for some Silent Sam vodka, Jim picked out different vodka, and Justin chose some Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball Whiskey, among other things. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), Ryan had to work the next morning, so he wouldn't be partaking in the night's festivities.

When the night starts out with everyone having a shot of Dr. McGillicuddy's Fireball Whiskey, you know that it's not going to end well.

For the most part, we were mixing strong White Russians, playing XBox, and having a good time. I'm drinking way too much, but the White Russians are going down really smooth, so I keep making them. Hey, like most things that get me into trouble, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

The night totally went downhill when I starting chugging my drinks.

I had just made my fourth or fifth White Russian, when Justin pulled out some juice and told me that he was going to make a Screwdriver. Here's me going, "That would be nice, but oh, what to do with this full drink I just made?" Less than 10 seconds later, Screwdriver in hand.

We haven't even gotten to my biggest mistake of the night...my conversation with my wife. Apparently, "Honey, I'm going to stay here tonight" when you're drunk sounds a lot like "Honey, I'm just going to have one more drink and then take a cab home" to someone who's sober. Needless to say, I got in a lot of trouble when I got home.

The gong show that was my night ended after I spent probably 20 minutes praying to the porcelain god, then finally crashed on the hide-a-bed that my friends thankfully pulled out for me. Time of pass out: 10:30pm. Poor show.

What I've learned this story: The next time my friends invite me over for dinner, I'm going to opt out of getting liquor at Tops, and go for the porn instead. But not a used copy of Pregnant and Horny. No, something tasteful...like a used copy of Elephant Hole.

Посмотрите Ma! Я говорю русского!

So an opportunity came up recently that I couldn't pass up. You see, I like video games, movies, and pretty much anything else that keeps me from moving or thinking a lot. The problem is that sometimes this gets expensive. DVDs are right around $20, and video games can be over $60. It all adds up to a broke Mr. Humble Guy. However, a contact through work, who happens to be Ukrainian, told us that he can order movies and video games (PC, PS2, Xbox...whatever) from the Ukraine for like $2 each. And they're in English! So I'm thinking, "Probably ripped copies, but I don't care. Time to watch my ass grow!" We make a big list of movies and games that we all wanted, but we just order a few to make sure that they work.

Fast forward to me going into Best Buy and laughing at all those poor suckers standing in line to spend hundreds of dollars on movies and games. Those idiots! Everyone is stupid except me!

It takes a little over a month, but the package came in yesterday...

I started to think things might not be right when I noticed that the movies were shipped in a Ukrainian donut box...

I really thought things weren't going to turn out the way that I'd hoped when I noticed that the movies had titles like "Страх и loathing в Las Vegas" and "уравновешение"...

I knew that that I got screwed when the movie wouldn't even play in my DVD player.

I finally did get the movies to play, but I had to put them into my laptop. The menus were all in Russian, but through trial and error, I found a way to shut off the monotonous Russian overdubs, however there is NO way to get rid of the subtitles.

On the plus side, the Star Wars movie came with a funny little quirk...the cover featured a Jedi in a Storm Trooper helmet holding a lightsaber. "Используйте усилие, Luke" indeed.

Yeah, I'm an ass...

This past weekend, I had drove Mrs. Humble to the drug store so she could get some eye drops (long story short: she needed them because I'm an asshole and a terrible husband). Anyway, after she bought them and we got back to the car, she wanted to wait until we got back home to put them in.

Mr Humble Guy: Why do you want to wait? Don't your eyes hurt NOW?
Mrs. Humble: Yeah, but I need a mirror.

(LONG PAUSE)

Mr Humble Guy: If only there were some way you could SEE where you were putting the eye drops...

I'm sure you can tell why she married me...

What the hell was that?

Okay, so I had a fairly interesting weekend, but I'll get to that in a later post. More importantly, I have to mention what happened to my dog this morning (as it was retold to me by Mrs. Humble).

I had went outside to shovel off the front walk, and my dog was getting kinda antsy, so he ran up to Mrs. Humble to let him outside. Just as he got up to her, he farted. Now, don't get me wrong, he's farted so bad before that we've had to leave the room, but this was the first time that his farts have ever made a sound! Well, he spun right around with his 'What the hell was that?' look, and immediately started barking. Then he smelled his fart, and was trying to figure out where it came from, all while continuing to bark! Seriously, try to picture a dog trying to sniff his butt and barking at the same time...

New to the whole Blogging thing...

Well hello, everyone! That is, hello to the three people who I gave this URL to. This is my first attempt (and probably last, but who knows?) at the whole blogging thing. I've got far too much work to do to consistently maintain a full time blog, as well as a short attention span and general dislike of doing anything that I'm not forced to.

So, why did I create a blog, then? I don't know, really. A friend of mine is about to create one, so I was just going to create a BS one to see how it all works, then wipe my hands clean of it all and get back to surfing the web for por...traits of art...yeah, that'll do. Anyway, it just seems like it might be fun to keep posting, so I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Why Mr Humble Guy? Anyone who knows me should question this, considering I'm a blatant asshole (not Tucker Max assholish, but an asshole nonetheless). Well, back in the day, I needed an anonymous email address so I could sign up for pron newsletters, fire off offensive emails, and generally be a dick without ruining my existing email address. So I signed up for a new Hotmail email with the user name mr_humble_guy, since jackass_pervert was already taken. It's been my alias almost every time I've needed to sign up for something.

Anyways, duty calls. Check back every once in awhile to see if I actually keep up with this, or if it ends up in the basement with my weights and my "Learn Japanese Today!" books.