Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...

Until I get bored of it, I'm going to try and make my "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" deal a weekly thing. It gives me some incentive to pay more attention to what is going on in the world, plus forces me to post at least once a week.

Luckily, this week was solid gold for adventures in asshattery. So much so that I will have to announce a tie.

On Monday, Stephen Harper of the Conservative party started a no-confidence vote that toppled the Canadian government, forcing last week's asshat Prime Minister Paul Martin to call an election for shortly after Christmas.

The problem is that this election is going to do NOTHING. Why, you ask? Simple: the majority of Canadians see Stephen Harper as some kind of child-eating demon.

Hey, kid...want a balloon?

The Liberals are going to win again with a minority government and Stephen Harper is going to have to step down. There is no possible way that he can't know that this is what will happen. Maybe he wants to step down? If so, why don't you step down before calling a no-confidence vote, then someone who has more personality than an old tire could take over and perhaps DO SOMETHING!!!

Even worse, now Canadians are going to be harassed for our entire Christmas season by all the fucking campaigning. No, you can't count on my vote. Merry Christmas, and get the fuck off my step before I bootfuck you down the street.

You should have thought this one through, Mr. Harper. Now you're just an asshat.

Well, enough about Canadian politics. Our second winner goes to the performers of the Grey Cup's halftime show: The Black Eyed Peas.

Dressing like a prostitute doesn't make you prettier, you know...

Two years ago at the Grey Cup (Canadian football's Superbowl, for anyone who wasn't aware), a Canadian performer named Shania Twain was heavily criticized for lip synching. For fuck's sakes, her guitar player had mitts on for the entire performance.

Two years later, I'm thinking lip synching might not be so bad.

Let me just put it this way: there are a lot of things that you can do in the recording studio to make you sound good that you just cannot do live. Any tone deaf half-baked "musician" can go into a recording studio and have it come out sounding good. That's the magic of audio recording technicians. To do anything live, the "musician" has to have something that technical people call "talent".

"Talent" doesn't include jumping around like an idiot, singing off key, singing while out of breath, or having a "borderline good looking" girl gyrate on stage.

Lemme just pull up the ol' thesaurus...

The Black Eyed Peas' performance on Sunday was appalling, atrocious, awful, dreadful, ghastly, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, terrible...you get the idea.

So, I proudly announce our latest winners of the "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" trophy: Stephen Harper and The Black Eyed Peas.

Sorry, guys...you have to share.

Demon Video Game...

I apologize for the lack of new posts this last little bit. Work has been piling up and I can't just drop everything to blog, considering it pays better.

"Well", you say, "Why don't you blog in the evening?"

Simple. That's Mr Humble Guy's time. And right now, Mr Humble Guy's time is being spent getting my ass handed to me by Soul Calibur 3.

What's that? You want your ass back? Okay, fine. Here you go, Crybaby.

Now, I consider myself a fairly competent gamer. Definately not the best, but I know my way around most video games. As long as it's not a strategy-type game, I can usually do pretty well. Considering Soul Calibur 3 is a fighting game, I figured I would be alright.

No other game has had me screaming at it in frustration as it repeatedly owned me. It's not that it just beat me. It also cheaped me out almost every single match. It could have decided to beat me just normally, but it thought it would be funnier if it juggled me around in the air, perform over-the-top moves that I can't seem to avoid, and generally not allow me to fight back.

Well, it certainly got me riled up. I started to make a few belligerent comments towards the game out of sheer frustration. A certain few that I can remember are worth repeating.

1. "...come on....come ON....COME ON...NOOOO!!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!!! YOU GOD-DAMN CHEAP FUCKING GAME!!!"
   
2. "NOOOO!!! I PUSHED THE FUCKING BUTTON TO ATTACK, NOT THE BUTTON TO FAG OUT AND GET THE FUCKING SHIT KICKED OUT OF ME!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKES, THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT VIDEO GAME HAS A GOD-DAMN RODNEY KING BUTTON, AND I'M THE FUCKING ONE WHO FOUND IT!!!"
   
3. "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!!!! I'M GOING TO FIND OUT WHOEVER FUCKING PROGRAMMED THIS FUCKING GAME AND EAT HIS FUCKING CHILDREN!!! FUCKING SON OF A FUCK!!!"
   
4. "...heh...that's just fucking great. Alright, here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to take you out of the console and TAKE A FUCKING SHIT RIGHT ON YOU! THAT'D MAKE BLOCKBUSTER'S FUCKING DAY, YOU FUCKING STUPID GAME!!!"

As you can imagine, I'm no longer allowed to play when Mrs Humble's parents are visiting.

ASSHATTERY

As you may have read, Chuck asked me to do a post using the word "Asshattery" at least five times. Such a fantastic and intriguing word, there was no way I could resist.

So, who should I give the inaugural "Mr Humble Guy Award for Outstanding Asshattery" trophy to? Hell, this one is no contest: Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin.

Surprise! You're an asshat!

Asshattery just oozes from this guy. There are times when he is talking on television that I think to myself, "there is no way he could be any more of an asshat".

Then he blows my mind with even more asshattery.

Even though he was the FINANCE MINISTER at the time, he claims to have known nothing about the huge scandal involving improper use of funds for sponserships. Really, as a finance minister, it's sort of your job to be aware of what is happening with taxpayer dollars.

Yes, outstanding asshattery in today's world must be acknowledged, so I proudly award Prime Minister Paul Martin with the first "Mr Humble Guy Award for Outstanding Asshattery" trophy.

What a prestigious honour!

Dear Mr. 50 Cent...

Okay, so maybe I'm not the perfect person to be critiquing music or musicians. After all, I dislike pretty much all forms of popular music right now, especially rap/hip hop stuff. However, it's not going to stop me from trying.

Mr. 50 Cent, why the hell are you so bloody popular?

So you got shot 9 times and lived? Well, congratulations. Did you ever think that maybe if you weren't such an asshat, you might not have gotten shot in the first place?

But no...you had to go make a rap album. Now you have millions of dollars with which to spread your general asshattery around. And I get to listen to your monotonous droning every time I turn on a radio. Thank you for that.

Seriously, these text-to-speech programs have more inflection in their voice than you do. Check this shit out.

Anyway, the real reason that I wanted to talk to you was about your new video game. I happened to notice that on the front cover, you look like you're taking a poo that is coming out sideways.

Why the long face? You've lived your life like a piece of shit, and now people can't get enough of you! Come on, let's turn that frown upside-down!


Ugh, that's a face that only a mother could love. Maybe we better work on that a bit.


That's better.

Anyway, I just thought you should smile more. Frowning is for asshats who haven't made millions of dollars performing a god-awful genre of music.

Sincerely,

Mr Humble Guy.

P.S. - Please don't shoot me.

Sugary Sweetness...

The adult in me wants a breakfast cereal that has at least some nutritional value. The kid in me still likes Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Really, if it weren't for mentioning a rival breakfast product, I would be a walking Mini-Wheats commercial.

So as you can see, I have a small problem when it comes to breakfast. I'm trying to eat a little bit healthier, but unless a cereal has a significant amount of sugar, it won't make it into my shopping cart. It just seems like so many different cereals that try to be healthier just end up tasting like ass.

And no, I've never tasted ass.

Shreddies: I might as well be eating drywall.

All Bran (or any other high-fiber cereal): I don't have a few free hours to spend on the toilet holding on for dear life.

Special K: Okay, I'd admit that this one doesn't taste bad. It doesn't taste like anything, actually. You put it in your mouth and go, "What the hell?" If it didn't crunch, you wouldn't even know it was there. It's the fucking stealth commando of breakfast cereal.

And I try to give all these cereals an honest try, too. I'll usually try to finish the box before I make a final judgement.

Anyway, in Canada we have this new cereal called "Tony's Turboz" (in the US I believe it is marketed as "Tiger Power").

It's supposed to be a cereal with a bunch of balanced nutrients and "just the right amount of sweetness". I'm thinking that this is exactly what I need. It's aimed at kids, so how bad could it be? So, I decided to give it a try.

Well, "just the right amount of sweetness" means "it tastes like tree sap". It tasted so horrible, I couldn't even finish the box. I had a hard time finishing what was in my bowl.

I should have known better when I saw that Tony doesn't mention on the front cover that this cereal is GR-R-REAT. I mean, he's pretty liberal with his compliments.

Yet he doesn't mention it anywhere on the box. Maybe he had a moral objection to selling a horribly flavoured cereal?

Tony: Hey kids! Try my new cereal! It's GR-R-NOT THAT GOOD!

Well, I'm sure you can guess my final verdict. Tony's Turboz, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Le French Riots...(hwah hwah hwah)

As I'm sure you've heard, there has been rioting in France for about two weeks now. Nothing but firebombing and clashes with police for fourteen days. I'll be honest, I didn't care enough to look up the reason why they're rioting. I mean, come on...they're French.

What I did notice, however, was the measures that France has undertook to quell the violence. This is the most violence that France has seen in about forty years, and the government is not taking it lightly. In fact, I was shocked at the severity of the French government's actions.

They imposed a curfew.

Well hallelujah! France is saved!

But seriously, what is that supposed to do?

Pierre: Listen, Jacques. I had a great time torching those cars and throwing rocks at those riot police, but it's almost 10:00pm! Blowing up stuff is one thing, but breaking curfew is just going too far!

Jacques: You're right, Pierre. Geez...breaking curfew...we could get a ticket for that!

My Issue With Star Wars...

Note: I am fully prepared to embrace the wrath of the Star Wars fanboys by writing this post.

You see, I've always been a fan of the Star Wars movies, including the new ones. The reason I can enjoy them is because I don't try to hold them to a super high standard. I can check my mind at the door and just enjoy watching CGI explosions and grown men fighting with sticks.

And yes, I have heard all the criticism that the prequels have received. I didn't ever really join in, because there is no point in arguing with a scorned Star Wars nerd.

I think the only real problem that I have with the Star Wars movies is the whole deal with Anakin and "The Prophecy". You see, in the movie there is a prophecy that one person will be able to bring balance to the Force. The key word here is balance.

At this point in the movie, there has only been one Sith discovered. One particular Jedi remarks that "the Sith have been extinct for a millenium".

Liam Neeson, a Jedi, who is standing in a room full of Jedis, which I believe is located in an school of the Jedis, tells everyone that Anakin is going to be the one to bring balance to the force.

Lemme just go over the key points one more time.

1. One sith vs A shitload of Jedis.

2. Anakin is going to be the one who brings balance.

I mean, what the fuck did they think would happen? You'd think that Yoda would catch on. "Balance to the Force, this boy will bring. KILL US ALL, THAT FUCKER WILL! WANT TO DIE, YODA DOES NOT!"

But no, they train him so that he can more effectively wipe them out.

I tell ya, Dark Helmet had it right. "Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

#@!%

Last night I was watching a Canadian stand up comedy show called "Comedy Now! Uncensored". The comedian wasn't overly funny, but that didn't stop me from watching the entire episode. Hey, I'm a lazy guy.

Anyway, during one of his jokes, they bleeped out the word "titties".

Well, thank the lord! Can you imagine what a shit storm it would have caused to have heard the worst swear in the entire English language being said on an "uncensored" comedy show?

But seriously, I have issues with this.

#1 - It's supposed to be an "uncensored" show. That means nothing gets bleeped out. I don't care if it shows a woman having sex with a horse and a turtle, if it's on an uncensored show, you better show that hot bestiality action. (Oh man, I can only imagine how I'm going to show up in the search engines now)

#2 - "Titties" is not a swear. It's not even marginally a swear. If "titties" are a swear, then "wieners" should be a swear too. That'd really screw over Oscar Meyer, wouldn't it?

Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer #@!%...

If You Missed It...

For those of you who didn't get a chance to see me in my Halloween costume, I decided to post a picture.

Incase you were wondering, that's not a prosthetic tongue. I've been doing tongue stretches for months. It was a necessity if I wanted to properly rock and roll all night and party ev-ur-ee day .