Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...

I had a pretty easy time picking out this week's winner. It was something so asshatish, it make me sick to my stomach. This week's winner of the "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" goes to the one, the only, President George W. Bush.

Warming up for the camera

To be honest, I could probably come up with reasons for George W. Bush to be the weekly asshat every single week, but I just had to choose this one. You see, on Sunday night, Mr Bush went on television to address the nation about Iraq. He urged Americans not to give in despair, to continue supporting the fight for freedom, blah blah blah.

Apparently, it was a decent speech. It was something he really needed to do, according to his recent approval ratings.

So, if it was so necessary, why did I choose him as this week's asshat?

That's simple: HE WENT ON TV WHEN THE FUCKING FAMILY GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON!

Un-fucking-believable. I'm sitting down, ready to watch the best show currently on television, and the fucking President comes on every fucking channel. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Family Guy is way more popular than you are. It gets more respect, is twice as intelligent, and is quoted just as often as you for the humorous value. If that wasn't enough, it could probably kick the shit out of you too. While you were pretending to be fighting in Vietnam, Family Guy was preparing for its inevitable debut by taking roundhouse kick lessons from Chuck Norris. That's how much it kicks ass.

Mr President, if ever you have to go on television again, take a quick look at the TV guide. If Family Guy, The Simpsons, South Park, Lost, or any other decent show is on when you are planning to go on the air, you'd better just wait. It doesn't matter if it's a re-run either. Like most people, I'd much rather watch my favourite shows than listen to you.

To be fair, feel free to come on the air when any sort of reality show is on. That cocksucker Mark Burnett can lick my stinky ass.

Luckily, since I have digital cable, I was able to catch The Family Guy at a later time. Still, there is no way I can let this slide. Congratulations, Mr President. You're this week's winner of the "Mr Humble Guy Award for Outstanding Asshattery" trophy.

What are the chances that George W. Bush is an avid fan of the ol' blog, and he'll take my advice to heart?

That Christmas Spirit...

Being the week before Christmas, I figured it was time to get some shopping done. Honestly, how can you say that you've put enough thought into a gift if you don't think about it for the longest time possible? It takes weeks of careful consideration and thoughtful planning before realizing that the perfect gift is probably something you're going to find out of desperation while you are shopping in the last few minutes before closing time on Christmas Eve.

You people who buy your Christmas presents at the start of the month should be ashamed of yourselves.

Anyway, I try my hardest to get myself in the Christmas spirit every year. The Christmas tree in our house goes up right at the start of December, and Mrs Humble and I decorate the rest of the house shortly afterwards while listening to Christmas music. We're just trying to make our house a sanctuary for the warm Christmas spirit.

Unfortunately, it appears that the majority of people I interacted with this weekend didn't care much for Christmas spirit.

I can understand that when you are shopping next to thousands of other people who you don't know, you don't necessarily want to be overly friendly to everyone you meet. It'd just take too bloody long. What I'm talking about is common courtesy. I've presented three situations here that happened to me this weekend, as well as what you should and should not do to spread good Christmas cheer.


1. You're driving in heavy traffic and I slow down to let you into my lane.

What you should do: Give just a little wave to say, "Yes, I acknowledge that you went out of your way to notice and be courteous to me. Thank you."

What you shouldn't do: Sharply veer in front of me at Mach 2 only inches in front of my bumper and then slam on your brakes, not because there is anyone in front of you, but because you feel like being a dipshit.


2. You're shopping in WalMart during the last weekend before Christmas and you need to stop and look at something in the aisle.

What you should do: Move your cart off to the side. After all, it's pretty busy at WalMart at the best of times, and people might actually want to get by.

What you shouldn't do: Leave your cart sideways. Yes, fucking sideways. It has to completely block off the entire fucking aisle while you read the list of ingredients on a package of deoderant. And scoff at me when I slowly move your cart to the side so I can continue on my way.


3. You and your litter of children have to cross a major lane of a busy parking lot. I stop to let you cross in safety.

What you should do: Give a friendly wave and hurry across the road at a brisk pace with children in tow.

What you shouldn't do: Slowly waddle your thunder thighs into the middle of the road, turn around to yell at your brats, then continue your sluggish waddling while scratching your "Super-sized" ass. Look, I know that you didn't ask to be Lardzilla for Christmas, but whatever happened to being 'jolly'?


A little courtesy could mean the difference between a pleasant day and a steaming pile of shit on the hood of your car. I can spread the Christmas cheer both ways. Which would you rather have?

Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...

Okay, so this didn't actually happen this past week, but I only heard about this story on Tuesday, so it counts. You want to bitch about it? Who's blog is this, huh? That's right, it's mine. I make the rules, so shut the fuck up when I'm talking.

The prestigious "Mr Humble Guy Award for Outstanding Asshattery" trophy is awarded this week to one Shayna Richardson.


Wondering who the hell Shayna Richardson is? Well, back on October 9th, Shayna Richardson was going skydiving solo for the first time. While she was falling, her main chute failed. Her backup chute didn't fully deploy. You know what that means: it's crunch time.

At a speed of about 50mph, she landed face first in an asphalt parking lot...and lived.

The made-for-cable miracle story gets even better: during her reconstructive surgery, doctors found out that Shayna was pregnant...and the baby also lived. So far, we're still doing good.

So, are you wondering why she won this week's Asshat award?

Bitchtits wants to jump again.

Miss Shayna Richardson, let me explain something to you very carefully. If you survive something like that, God obviously wants either you or your baby to live for some reason. But he's also trying to say that YOU SHOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!

He could have made your backup chute open at the last second.

He could have caused a huge wind gust to slow your decent to that of a feather.

Instead, he chose to let you break your fall with your face to teach you a lesson. What lesson was that? Watch your step, bitch. You're fucking pissing me off.

Shayna Richardson had a terrible accident. That's unfortunate. It's the fact that she chose not to learn anything from it that makes her an asshat. I proudly award this week's "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" trophy to Shayna Richardson.

Don't get any big ideas, Shayna. This trophy is afraid of heights.

Now watch as I die of cancer while the "Skydiving-Faceplant Extraordinaire" lives to the ripe old age of 132. Sometimes there's no justice.

Analog Illiterate...

The strap on my Timex sports watch broke just the other day, so I've taken to wearing my fancy dress watch as my everyday watch. Unlike my cheap digital Timex, my dress watch is an expensive, classy analog beauty. I figured that eventually I'd get around to buying a new strap for the Timex, but since my dress watch looked so damn good, I might just make it my everyday watch.

Then someone asked me what time it was.

Without even looking at it, I told them that my watch was broken and I was unaware of the correct time.

You see, I believe that there is an acceptable response time for that particular question, which is about four seconds. Four seconds is probably pushing it, but we'll say that it is acceptable. If someone asks you what time it is and you take more than four seconds of looking at your watch to reply, then they are legally allowed to brand you as "special".

After having a digital watch for most of my life, I'd gotten so used to seeing the time that way that I've pretty much become "analog illiterate". Sure, I could have told him the time, but it would have taken about a minute of me staring at my wrist like there is Japanese written on it.

Mr Humble Guy doesn't want people to think of him as "special".

To be completely honest, it's not as bad as I make it out to be. I can read time on an analog watch. It's just that I'm not used to having to read time on an analog watch. What took me a fraction of a second before now takes me at least ten seconds. But at least I'm getting better. When I first put it on, I had this little exchange with myself.

Mr Humble Guy: Hmm, what time is it?
Mr Humble Guy checks watch
Mr Humble Guy: Hmm, okay.
Mr Humble Guy walks to the kitchen to check the time on the microwave

I'm thinking that I should just follow Brad's advice and draw a watch on my wrist that is always set to "GO TIME".

Weekly Wednesday Asshat Award...

Who should it be this week? I was actually considering doing another political one. Saddam Hussein has been quite an asshat in court this week. Actually, he's been quite an asshat every week. I think I'll wait until he completely loses it and starts breakdancing in court before I award him this prestigious trophy.

However, I've decided to award it to a man whose still desperately clinging to his fifteen minutes: Tom Green.

Tom Green: Blessed and cursed with the ability to smell farts through the internet

I'll freely admit that when he first had naked ladies painted on his parents car, I had a hearty laugh. His antics were like nothing I'd ever seen before. But there's a reason for that. Quite soon afterwards, Tom Green's antics got old. He had a television show and a marriage to Drew Barrymore, so he unfortunately stayed in the public eye for awhile.

When those ended, Tom Green quickly faded into obscurity. Oh, if only he could stay that way.

But no, he decided to resurface this week with a rap album. Tom Green doing a rap album. That sentence just pisses me off so much that I don't even know where to begin.

Are they just giving record deals to anyone calling themselves a rap artist now? Pretty soon Barney is going to have a fucking gangsta rap album.

I be down witch you. You be down wit me. I'll bust a cap in yo ass if you dis my family, bitch.

This week I don't need to go into any detail at all. I just have to say it once again: Tom Green released a rap album this week. It's a clear winner for the "Mr Humble Guy Award For Outstanding Asshattery" trophy.

Well, it's no Grammy, but at least it's something...

A PSA From Mr Humble Guy...

As I've mentioned a few times before, I suffer from an unfortunate disorder called Irritable Bowel Syndrome. The only thing that you really need to know about it is that a few times a week, I'm forced to dash to the closest washroom with my thumb up my ass due to a sudden assault of violent stomach cramps and explosive diarrhea.

It's a fairly common disorder, and those who have it learn to live with it. An IBS sufferer learns to carefully plan their trips away from the house. It's important to know how long until the next washroom, how long they can hold it when things start to get bad, and which trees have the softest bark incase they're forced to wipe their ass with it.

One thing that IBS sufferers hate, though, is having to go to the bathroom in someone else's house. The IBS experience in itself is not fun, but when you are in someone elses home, there are so many other factors that can make things worse. This is why I created this list. It is designed to inform hosts of the necessary steps for preparing your bathroom incase of an IBS related emergency.

1. Have A Good Fan - Most people are worried about the noises they make in the bathroom when other people are in earshot. IBS sufferers make exploding/ripping noises. If you have a good noisy fan installed in the bathroom, it can really minimize what is heard outside the door. This will make both you and the unfortunate soul in the bathroom a little bit more comfortable.
   
   
2. Have An Air Freshener - The quality of a bathroom fan will do nothing to the smell that comes from an IBS sufferer. You'd have to let that fan run nonstop for a week. An air freshener will help cut through the shit smell an IBS sufferer leaves behind. Please make sure it is a spray air freshener and not just something that just sits there, like potpourri. If it is something that just sits there, the IBS sufferer will be forced to violently shake it through the air in order to disperse the freshness more quickly.
   
   
3. Have A Toilet Brush - Probably the most embarrassing thing an IBS sufferer can leave in their host's toilet is streaks/splash marks all over the inside of the porcelin. IBS can be explosive business, and sometimes flushing doesn't get rid of everything. If you have a toilet brush available to them, the IBS sufferer can quickly and quietly clean up their dirty business without anyone being the wiser.
   
   
4. Have A Plunger - No, actually, the single most embarrassing thing an IBS sufferer can leave in their host's toilet is something that plugs it right up. Have a plunger handy, and they'll fix everything themselves. If you don't have one handy, they'll be so embarrassed that I guaruntee they'll never visit again.
   
   
5. Have Something To Read - Unfortunately, IBS can also mean long periods of time in the bathroom, and there is only so many times that one can read the ingredients on the bottle of shampoo.
   
   
6. Try To Have More Than One Bathroom - I know that a lot of people can't avoid this, but if you have more than one bathroom, it will make everything easier for everyone. An IBS sufferer dreads knowing that someone else is going to need to use the bathroom right after them because they can't blame any of the smells, sounds, or splash marks on anyone else. IBS sufferers don't need any more stress in their lives, because it all eventually manifests in their bowels. If you can, have one bathroom for the IBS sufferer, and let everyone else use another.
   
   
7. Most Importantly, Have Enough Toilet Paper - If my host doesn't leave me enough toilet paper, I will freely wipe my ass with a bathmat. I'll plop down and scoot just like a dog. I won't even be discreet about it either: I'll show it to them afterwards and mention that it was because they didn't leave me any fucking toilet paper.
   
   And finally
   
   
8. Do Not Ask "How Are You Doing?" Afterwards - Understand that these people probably just lost five pounds in the amount of time that they were in the bathroom. They'll be okay and they are doing better than they were before they went in the bathroom, but they don't feel like talking about it.

By following this simple tips, you can keep your IBS sufferers as close friends and your bathmats skidmark free.

Flawed Logic...

The story I tell people:

I needed a new piece of equipment for the basement to aid my already strenuous workout routine, and I found just what I needed at a great price. Pleased with my purchase, I treated myself to a nice dinner.

What actually happened:

I bought a t.v. and then ate two Big Macs.

I'm not joking. It's actually quite pathetic. I get really bored when I'm working out, and I thought that if I had something to entertain me while I'm working out, I would be more likely to do it. So I went to the Wal Mart to check out the prices of televisions. It turns out that a 24" t.v. is only marginally more expensive than a 19" t.v., which was already at a great price, so of course I picked one up.

Because I'm an idiot, I went shopping right before dinnertime without eating first, so now I was starving. There is usually a McDonald's inside the Wal Mart, which is doing wonders for the average size of the North American ass. The McDeal for that day just happened to be a Big Mac. Being quite hungry, I decided to order two of them (which unfortunately led to the McStomachAches, and tragically to the McPoops, but I won't go into any detail about those).

So, to recap: In order to help me workout and get into better shape, I bought a television. Then I ate some of the greasiest, fattiest food that one of the greasiest and fattiest restaurants in North America serves.

Damn I'm good.

A Late Response...

Two days ago, the grocery store chain Safeway issued a warning to consumers in British Columbia and Alberta that some of the ground beef sold lately could potentially be contaminated with E.coli bacteria.

The problem is that this beef was packaged between October 5th and October 20th. Between just over an month to almost two months ago.

Well, thanks for the warning! Though if you would have told me that when you should have, that E.coli contaminated ground beef wouldn't have spent the last few weeks as an E.coli contaminated turd floating through the sewer system.

In the spirit of this warning, I feel it is my duty to give one too. ATTENTION! A NASTY HURRICANE WILL HIT THE NEW ORLEANS AREA NEAR THE END OF AUGUST 2005. TOURISTS ARE STRONGLY CAUTIONED NOT TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO VISIT NEW ORLEANS DURING THIS PERIOD.

Seriously, they're just figuring this E.coli thing out now? Just as many people purchase ground beef to consume immediately as they do to freeze it. I can only imagine that a large quantity of the people who purchased that beef already had it for dinner weeks ago. Didn't those people get sick? Couldn't they make the connection back then?

Well, at least Safeway is trying to warn the people who still have this stuff in their freezer. I suppose I shouldn't be one to judge. After all, I still have ground beef in the freezer from January 2004.